How to Be a Psychic: Part One

First off, I hate psychics. I was one for years, I should know how terrible they are. I say ‘psychic’ rather than ‘fake psychic’ because that would be redundant. ALL PSYCHICS ARE FAKE, most just haven’t admitted it to themselves yet.

Second off, there are no tricky moves in this series and I will not be explaining most of the basic moves. There are far too many DVDs and books out there that will teach you that, or better yet, fly to Vegas and take Jeff McBride’s class. McBride is a world class teacher and a great performer, if you like that hop, skip and mime stuff.

Third off, these are the tricks as I learned them, developed them and do them. I’m not going to go nutty researching who first came up with ‘the finger in the ass of the donkey to read the pip’ move, because he more than likely ripped it off from someone else. A lot of these magic nazis scream bloody murder when proper credit isn’t given for some obtuse trick. So here, everything I learned I learned from Cordina. This isn’t true, but when it doubt, credit Cordina and you’re covered.

Fourth off, I lot of this stuff I picked up in China. They invented paper, spaghetti and racism, as well as most of the tricks Cordina and them wish they had invented.

Fifth off, this is all the shit I do in bars. If words like ‘shit’ and ‘bars’ upset you, pick up your thumb tip and sponge bunnies and get to the church basement where you can amuse the little fellas as they wait to be abused by Father Porter and them.

Sixth off, the Chinese invented child abuse too, so I wish the Catholic Church would stop taking credit for it.

Have fun with this stuff. Some of it will get you laid. I watch a video by that little Canadian weasel, Jay Shanky, where he claims ‘you too can use mentalist to meet and impress women’. Some of his secret tips included ‘take a shower’ and ‘brush you teeth’. Listen, if you need to be told to wash, you should not be meeting women. There is no reason for you to even think about breeding. Turn off the computer and put a gun in your mouth, please.

A very good lesson can be learned from Shanky’s DVD. Stop producing stuff after you’ve peaked. If you hook up with a shit heel like Rob Stiff, he’ll seduce you into churning out too much crap too often and even your old friends will hate you.

But enough of the jibber jabber, let’s make some magic!

Lance Norris
The Gun Rock Tavern
Hull, MA 2006


This won’t work every time, but you know what? Your little pinky break will miss every now and again too. Hell, Larry Bird didn’t hit every basket. Get over yourself and try this out.

The Effect
You impress the hell out of a woman by giving her free choice of any five cards and just by concentrating, your minds connect and you turn over her thought of card.

The Work
Take five heart cards from the pack. The Ace, the two, the three, the four and the five. Put them on the table in a row. The Ace of Hearts at the end on your left running up to the Five of Hearts at the end on the right. Explain:

We’re going to use these five cards to see if there is any connection between us at all. I’m going to turn my back so I can’t see you. All I want you to do is look at the five cards and pick out one that speaks to you. Don’t touch it. Just look at it. Burn it into your mind.”

Once they have their card in their mind, turn back and ask them to hold their left hand straight out in front of themselves.

Ok, hold out your left hand. We’re going to use the left hand because that’s the one that is closer to your heart. Spread the fingers. Now make a fist. A tight fist. Excellent. Now spread the fingers again. Your thumb represents the Ace. Your pointing finger is the two. Your middle finger is the three. Your ring finger is the four and your pinky is the five. Got it? Now make a tight fist again, and open your hand back up. Concentrate on your card and focus your thought on which ever of your five fingers represent the card you selected. Ace/Thumb, Two/Index, Three/Middle, Four/Ring and Five/Pinky. Are you focused?”

Repeat the order of the finger/cards again, but this time as your say the finger touch each of the participant’s fingers with your index finger very lightly, one at a time, starting with the Ace/Thumb working your way in order to the Five/Pinky. As if they are a fucking moron and you are showing them which finger is which. You will feel a slight bit of resistance from the finger that the participant is concentrating on. Use a very light touch and don’t wiggle their finger back and forth. Just touch it and you will feel the difference between the selected finger and the others. Once you know the card, the payoff is simple.

I’m getting some very strong vibes from you on this one. I can almost feel your energy flowing from the fingers.”

Hold your hand above the spread out cards and finally turn their selected card over (the card that corresponded to the finger that stiffened).

I strongly believe this is your card!”

You won’t hit every time with this method, but when you do it can be repeated.

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