Jesus Christ was the first celebrity. He died young (ala Kurt Cobain) and even resurrected his career (literally). He’s got the greatest publicist of all time (God) and a great summer look (beards and crowns of thorn are the new trucker hats). Everywhere you turn, people are saying his name. Here are three of my favorite Jesus related news topics that are all the rage today:
1.JESUS ISN’T EVEN REAL
This one is great. Faking your existence is second only to dying young as far as legend-making career moves go. There have been a ton of reports (at least three) about JC not even being real, and don’t get me started with the Da Vinci Code. What is that about? $200 million worldwide, people love this guy. Jesus Christ is the only global star that could gross that much and still have critics debate his existence. Nice move, JC! The whole scandal (or P.R. stunt) involves some kind of tomb raid which makes me thing one thing: Who has the rights to the crossover with Lara Croft? Is Angelina Jolie signed on for this yet? The one downside to Jesus being a hoax has been depreciation in value of Christ related antiques. The biblical antique business is taking a serious hit this year. Oh well, it is what it is. One industry has to take a dive for another to thrive. That’s my motto.
2.TED TURNER GETS JEALOUS
Last Ash Wednesday, megalomaniac Ted Turner called a bunch of Catholics “Jesus Freaks” because they smeared ash on their forehead. God, could Ted Turner sink any lower? He is so jealous; it’s really sad. Let me give you a brief history of Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday is pretty much the new Cinco de Mayo; it’s a total party day. Rumor has it that Paris Hilton has rented out the Bellagio for a huge Ash Dubs Party next year; I so hope I get an invite. The thing to do on Ash Wednesday is have a priest smear black ash onto your face; it’s called an ash facial. They’re pretty much the new beads. So what’s wrong with Ted Turner, why is he so jealous. Being a “Jesus Freak” is only the best compliment you can get. I’m not gay but I would totally get down on my knees for Jesus. He is so hot right now.
3.JESUS COLOME: JUST WHAT THE YANKEES NEED
The newest Major League Baseball sensation is not immune to the Jesus bug, it’s non other than New York Yankee prospect Jesus Colome. Jesus signed a minor league contract with the Yanks on April 15th after spending five seasons in the Tampa Bay Devil Rays organization. The 29 year old pitcher has a 4.73 ERA in 186 career appearances; and with the way Randy Johnson has been pitching he should be in the rotation by mid June. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing, and that’s why it’s so important. Jesus is everywhere, even when he isn’t.