Looking for Love

Jamie’s Love

How come I can’t make you love me?

How come every time I gain points, I lose points?

What is wrong with me? Am I the only person on earth who is unable to earn love? The sole being…. undeserving of ardor?

My love tank is overflowing, all I want to do is love. It’s all I have ever wanted to do.

This child in me learned at a very young age that love only comes at a price. And, if you’re bad, you lose it. Gone. Poof

I continued this despicable cycle….with my first victim; I could not receive the love. I couldn’t. He gave, and gave and I could not accept it. I knew I didn’t deserve it. I know that now, I don’t deserve it. Yet, I want it so badly.

What kind of person doesn’t accept love, what kind of person shuns it and annihilates another’s spirit? It’s contempt. It’s evilness.

Instead, I tried and tried and tried to make him UNlove me…hurting him, decapitating his heart.

I was so caught up in fighting off love that I destroyed a life….I extinguished the fiery essence of another….. At least one… A merciless murder of the soul.

I want to be loved and accepted and held and protected so bad. I wonder if people …like me, whomever or whatever that is….
Exist to un-exist. Live to die, yet, die to love.

…I lost so many points when I was busy and intent on hurting people that the deficit of my dishonesty… of my superficial love… can never be made positive.

Please just look at me, look in me, look around me at what I can be…and love me. Please keep loving me when I am unlovable….when I try to make you not love me. Please love me.

See my heart. See my soul. See me and love me. Cover me in love. Shelter me in love. Protect me from un-love.

See my scars, see my open wounds, see my ugliness inside and out, and love me.

See my emptiness, see my selfishness, see my sad heart, my lonely heart, and love me… despite me.

Look at me, beyond my evil ways, beyond my bitter, utter cruelty, see my heinous, fragile…..glass heart, shattered, glued, and broken again. But, still love me.

See the cancer of my being, and love it. Love it because there is a cure. There has to be a cure.

See my thoughtlessness, my rudeness, my contempt for mankind, and love me, still.

Look deep within me and find the flower.

Look for the blossom. See the potential beauty. See the delicate petals. See the lifeless stems longing to grow…needing only the water of your love to sustain existence.

If you must prune me, hold me, protect me, cut me… but still… love me.

See the rose buried beneath the earth, beneath the stone, beneath the darkness…reach in and touch me. Nurture me. Love me.

Smile as I blossom. I can blossom. The seed is there, buried, deep. But dig and you will find it. Remove the dirt, unearth the fear… and you will find it…breathe passion onto the seedling…..

Feed it with the fruit of your goodness…your pureness…See beyond the decrepit void….Nourish it with the sensitivity of your touch. With your unyielding love, a never-ending love…love without cost or condition…

If my beauty becomes tarnished, if age withers me, see not my repugnant shell….only remember my beauty. Recall my stunning majesty. And love me.

When I am gone, and I become part of the cold lifeless earth, let me live on, love me from the inside out and the outside in.
Smile at the thought of my transformation and envision loveliness. The captivating allure that was nonexistent, then birthed, died and miraculously rose again….in bloom…flowering in rebirth.

Remember my nothingness and love me. Remember the candor of your pure heart that became the water of my soul…. and know that your love transformed a black nothingness into something….into the rainbow of passion….the colors of tenderness.
And know that what once was, is now, and forever will be…..my love

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