Michelob Ultra: Beer 4 Marathon Runners

As I noted in my article “A Smoking Degenerate’s Guide to Marathon Running” (featured in Margaret Munro Lyons’ “Health & Fitness: Week in Review”), I will be running the Philadelphia Marathon on November 19th. This is why I have started to drink Michelob Ultra, almost exclusively.

You’ve no doubt seen some Michelob Ultra ads on television. They all feature some intensely beautiful, in shape person engaging in some high octane activity which inexplicably leads them to a cooler full of ice cold Michelob Ultra. Look, there’s the power couple sipping on some Mic Ultras after a grueling run and a striking blonde pounding one after laps in the pool. It really was an awesome marketing scheme, those commercials; they didn’t make me feel bad about myself (sarcasm). Michelob Ultra: the first beer for skinny people.

Now, in reality, it doesn’t work like that. If you sit on your ass drinking beer all day, it doesn’t matter what kind it is- you’re going to get fat. But if you’re a workhorse who likes to finish off some exercise with a cold one, well, then Michelob Ultra is the beer for you.

When Michelob Ultra first came out, I was completely against it. “Who do these models think they are? They’re not beer drinkers,” I scoffed. I was young, naÃ?¯ve; I didn’t know how it worked. It took me years to realize that you could be a beer drinker and a runner/beautiful person. For far too long, I had been a fat, yet intensely good-looking, young man. But now, with Michelob Ultra in my corner, I have the potential to be an athletic, marathon running, intensely good-looking young man.

It’s not a difficult equation (though I don’t know any of the actual statistics). Michelob Ultra has like no carbohydrates (compared to other “normal” beers that is). If Coors Light is the water of the beer world, then Mic Ultra is the evaporated water particles. Sure, it tastes like crap and it costs too much. But who said being a beautiful person was going to be easy, let alone inexpensive?

I’ve started to train for my marathon and I’m up to 6 miles a day. The only difference is that instead of 9-12 Budweiser’s at the end of my workout, it’s a 12 pack of Michelob Ultra. And the taste ain’t so bad, I guess. It’s carbonated; it’s got that going for it. It also comes in cans now too, which is nice. It’s true, I get made fun of for drinking Michelob Ultra but I’ve already lost three pounds (so ha). And come November I will be hanging my head high; a marathon champion reaping the spoils of my victoryâÂ?¦I might even have a Michelob Ultra.

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