Mommy, You Said Giants Weren’t Real

Anyone with children has been there; you’re standing in line, carousing the mall, or simply visiting with a relative or friend when your otherwise adorable child opens their mouth and what comes out is truly mortifying. Each and every time it happens you feel like it’s the most embarrassing moment of your life. You pray under your breath that if God will just please allow them to not hear that comment, you will never take your child out in public again. Never the less you are baffled for what to say and it’s always made worse when you grab them and insist they hush, your face turns bright red, and you apologize a million times to many.

Some people have it worse than others because some kids seem to never stop talking. I am one of those people. So next time your child makes you wish you could instantly disappear, crawl into a hole and die, or hop into a magic time machine and take it all back; remember it could be worse, you could have my son with you!
So here it is, a list of the five most mortifying moments my currently five year old son has been the cause of over his short (but prolific) life. By the way, if you’re currently one of the people who have decided to wait to have children, don’t worry your time is coming.

1. In the present day and age profanity is everywhere; adolescence and thoughtless adults use it constantly, no matter where you are. My son was about two and half and was pleading with me to ride in one of those carts that have the cars attached to the front of them (and if you have children and know of these carts you know they are worth the effort of squeezing them through the tiny isles) at the grocery store. I certainly was all for the idea since it gave him something to do other than pull everything off the shelves and demand he needs it or he will die. So anyway, we had just started our shopping when this old (seriously, she was at least 85) woman stopped her cart in front of ours and proceeded to browse around the section of isle before her. I guess my son was pretending he was winning the Indy 500 because he started beeping the little horn and he stuck his head out of the side of the car and yelled, “MOVE IT BITCH, IM DRIVING!”
Needless to say I was frozen in shock, mouth gaping wide, praying that she currently wore a hearing aide and forgot to change the dead battery. Meanwhile everyone in the isle had stopped and was currently staring in our direction waiting for a reaction of some sort. The woman calmly turned around, smiled, and responded, “Kids just say the darndest things at the worst moment, don’t they?” You may think that I would have been singing hallelujah with relief, but I was only more lost for a response. I swiftly and sternly instructed him to apologize and pretended I was the Indy racer as I ran for the next isle before another word could be uttered.

2. My son was around three when we had this next “episode” (makes it sound much better to me). We were standing in line waiting to check out at our local Wal-Mart store and my son was bouncing around. The woman in front of us was rather large and she kept backing up to make space for her husband. At one point she ended up ramming her butt right into my sons face (and no, amazingly she did not even notice). I in turn kept backing up and trying to keep him away from her because he was getting rather irritated and I recognized it was only a matter of time before it turned into a situation.

Everything was going fine until my 10 month old decided to hurl her bottle and I had to go recover it. You predicted it; in the five seconds it took me to get the bottle it happened. My son was holding onto the rear of the cart trying to reach something inside it when she backed up again and rammed his head into the cart. Just as I looked up I saw his face turn red and his head turn. Out from his mouth spewed “Mommy, why is her butt so BIG?” Oh, it gets worse! The woman (obviously embarrassed) turned around to see that he WAS indeed referring to her large hind quarters and responded “Well if you would back up a little my butt wouldn’t seem so BIG, would it?” I snatched him up, apologized for his rudeness, and bribed him with M&M’s in return for his silence.

3. Yes, the giant now comes into play. My son (who was about three at the time) and I were looking around at a local clothing store when this one occurred. Normally my son is rather behaved in clothing stores because he enjoys seeing what I pick out and make fun of the brightly colored clothing on the racks. He has a ball making up stories about the types of different people who would don “that” outfit. Of course he understands that good behavior generally earns him a treat afterward too.
So we were just walking around looking for nothing in particular when he stopped dead in his tracks. I hadn’t noticed anything and I was still walking when he halted; the movement proceeded to yank his arm and make him stumble forward into a woman. I turned around to confirm he was okay and saw that he was gazing upward with amazement. I followed his gaze and noticed how incredibly tall this woman was. She had to be at least six and half feet tall (and no, I’m not exaggerating). He then blurted out “Wow, mommy look-It’s a giant.”

I apologized to the woman for the accident, tugged his arm a little bit, and stated “C’mon hunny, let’s go.” He began to move away very slowly while his head was craned backward staring at her. I whispered the standard “Stop staring, you know better, that’s rude.” Once again he stopped (curiosity getting the best of him) and remarked “Mommy, you said giants weren’t real, you said they were only make-believe.” I did get lucky on this one as the woman simply smiled and waved to him before trying to disappear between the rows of clothing.

4. As most people know, children have a rather uncanny talent for noticing things at the worst potential time. This “episode” took place when I was pregnant with my daughter (my son was about three and half). During both of my pregnancies I couldn’t get enough of the baby story shows. I watched them every chance I got and one day my son walked into the room while I was folding laundry and I didn’t notice him behind me. The woman on T.V. was having one of those water births. My son was too young to understand of course and as she was screaming out in excruciating pain (she chose the natural way) my son says, “Wow she really doesn’t like taking baths huh?” I of course cracked up laughing and tried as best I could to explain the situation to him without giving too much confusing information out. I guess it didn’t work.

Both my pregnancies were high risk and I was thus required to be seen by the physician at least once a week during the entirety of my pregnancies. My husband being the great guy he is, always insisted on being at my appointments for support in case of bad news (we had our fair share, trust me). Well this of course meant that our son had to come with us. He was usually as well behaved as any three-year-old could be (of course we always made sure his bag was packed with an insane amount of activities), but as I stated- he LOVES to talk.

Near the end of my pregnancy is when it occurred. We were in the doctor’s office waiting to be seen as usual. He was playing with one of his activities that we had packed for him when he looked up and unquestionably started staring at the woman sitting across from us. He head was cocked to the side in contemplation and his eyes were squinted in concentration. He lifted his head and out of nowhere said to the woman, “Are you gonna have your baby in the bathtub and scream a lot when it comes out your butt?”

The woman just stared at him, altogether lost for what to say. She was trying so hard not to laugh as he looked at her waiting for an answer. After all, to him it was a legitimate question and he was curious whether she would or not. She was grateful when I giggled a little told him that babies don’t come out of your butt, that mommy’s have a special place just for babies to come out of.

That of course turned into an impromptu for more questions. All the while the woman peeked at us (catching a glimpse of her future no doubt) while I tried to discreetly explain that: no, babies don’t come out of your pee-pee either; remember, mommy’s don’t have pee-pees like boys; yes, some mommy’s do scream a lot when the baby comes out; no, I can not let you see the special place that the baby comes out; and once again, babies do not come out of your butt. Not that it needs to be stated; but YES I was extremely relieved when it was our turn to be seen!

5. The most recent “episode” happened last year while we were filing our taxes. We couldn’t find a sitter for the kids and the company assured us they loved it when kids came in. I of course was wondering if I would enjoy it given my son’s track record for embarrassment. Obviously I didn’t, or I wouldn’t be sitting here cringing at the memory.

Along with his perception of the perfectly wrong time to make remarks, my son was additionally gifted with an excessively vivid imagination and is constantly making up stories. He even once cried when his imaginary friend ran away (don’t ask, I’m still confused). There we were, sitting in those horribly uncomfortable seats, already being bored out of our minds when he began to act up. My husband looked at him and told him to shape up or they would go sit in the car together while mommy and the baby stayed inside. He then looked at my husband and stated “Daddy, don’t take me to the car and beat me!” Everyone went silent and he looked at the accountant doing the taxes and remarked “I have to sleep on the floor you know; I don’t even have a bed!”

Of course my husband doesn’t beat my son and he doesn’t sleep on the floor either, but you could tell the accountant was taken back by the statements. I tried to laugh it off and explain to her about my son’s imagination. She just looked at me like I was a crazed lunatic and shook her head in agreement. I still don’t think she genuinely believed me but no one ever showed up at my door for an investigation. Either way I suppose she might change her number when next years taxes come around.

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