My Mother

The cry that came out of my mouth was one I had never heard before. It was so unhuman sounding that it stopped me for a split second. My step dad had just called and told me that my mom was dead. The ambulance personnel were there working on her, please Heather don’t let her be dead. Heather help me, he said. John don’t let her die, don’t let my mom die, I said. But something told me she was gone. I could not contain myself. This cry that came out of me was so deep and so horrible sounding. It was a cry of pure pain. That’s the only was I can explain it. My mom’s death was a complete shock , even though two days earlier I got a similar call from John. I knew then she would be ok. When he called and said your mom is dead, I went into auto mode. I found my other sister and went to the hospital. When we got there, she was ok they said. I went in and talked to mom. They said she needed to eat. If I had known that two days later she would be dead, I would have made more of an scene than I did, with the doctor. They said she would be fine, that they had given her medicine and she would be doing better.

When John called two days later and she was dead, I was lost. Not only did my mom die but my best friend died. My mom was my best friend. We talked about everything. We talked about every day. Now she was gone. The first few days were a haze. I was a walking zombie, I didn’t know what to do or say to people. I am so lost. The first thing that I learned, once your mother dies you realize everything you thought about the world was wrong. It doesn’t matter how old you are when your mom dies, your world changes. Your mother is your protection against the world. She shields you from the terrible things. After she died, I started realizing all the injustices of the world. They just started hitting me like a brick wall. And mom isn’t here to explain why.
A lot of my beliefs about the world have changed since my mom died. I have had a lot of ups and downs. Mostly downs, since mom died. I get to thinking I am going to be alright then I have setbacks. I get angry when I think of how my mom should be here, but she’s not because hospitals and doctors killed her. I think she is in a better place, that’s the only way I can keep myself from going crazy. For the first year after she died I had the worst nightmares you can imagine. I would wake up and not want to go back to sleep. I would dream she was being embalmed and start saying, Heather I’m alive don’t let them do this. Then I would dream I was in a room with her but her arms were missing skin, (she was an organ and tissue donor) and she would look at me with the saddest look and not say anything. I still have these dreams once in a while but not as much as before.

My daughter has helped me a lot. She will talk about mom. A lot of people won’t after someone dies. But it really helps for me to still talk and reminisce. Sometimes I think I am having a heart attack because it hurts so much. But if I were to just forget that would not help. My mom was a great person who loved life and her kids and grandkids. I hope that I can be like her. She took care of you when no one else would. She stood beside you when no one else would. Her love made this world a better place. She had the heart of a child innocent and pure.

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