R&B, Hip-hop, and Other Crappy Forms of Music

For the last week, I’ve been listening to the radio (a lot) for the first time since I got my car back in 2002. This is the list of songs that are on the radio that suck a LOT. And I don’t mean that in a good way. The amount of suckery that is achieved is on a god-like scale of impossibility.

Unsurprisingly, I found the most sucktacular songs on the local hip-hop and R&B stations, the songs are listed in an arbitrary order (that means random), and it doesn’t bear any more weight other than the order I remembered them.

1. “Your Body” – Pretty Ricky. First off, who in their right mind names themselves “Pretty Ricky” and not expect to have someone laugh at them for long periods of time and then use their song as an early morning joke to tell at the office? This song is terrible; its chorus is a series of “rhymes” with the syllable “eye”. Someone let them know that the digitized voice thing is no longer cool… or EVER was. This song sucks. And Pretty Ricky sounds like a name you’d give your bedmate in prison. I imagine this song to be something that a group of teenage boys dreamt up in their magnum opus, using a Yamaha synthesizer and writing lyrics while they should’ve been paying attention in Algebra.

2. “How could this Happen to me?” – Simple Plan. This is the most generic, emo-inducing, crap-box of a song. The amount of “WAAHHHHHHHH!” and “BOO HOO” in this song is on level with an 11th grader who just broke up with his girlfriend. That and the instrumentals and the vocals are akin to absolute ninny. I don’t even KNOW what that means, but the word just seems to fit. They don’t even try. I give them a F- for life; they should really find an alternative.

3. “Run it” -Chris Brown. This song is another generic “Club Scene” song pumped out of the hip-hop creation machine. This one blows major balls and anybody who likes it probably also likes to put male genitalia in their mouth. The lead singer, Chris Brown, is 16, but he sounds like he hasn’t hit puberty yet. His voice is so high-pitched that my neighbor’s dog’s ears bled and started whining. He (the dog) was in so much pain, he killed himself by strangulation… a wake will be held on Saturday November 19th, 2005.

4. “Here we go” – Trina and Kelly Rowlands. This is just another run of the mill “men are horrible terrible things, but I still let them put their penises inside of me” songs. Anybody who uses “blah blah blah blah” as part of their GENIUS lyrics is obviously just doing it for filler material. This woman should just get together with 5 of her closest male friends, plug all the holes and both hands and that way she can’t complain anymore, AND she can’t write terrible, TERRIBLE songs. Children are getting abused because of this song.

5. “Like You” – Lil’ Bow wow. This song has got to be the laziest attempt at a song in the history of song making. This song uses the C-major scale for it’s chorus melody and it’s heard throughout the song in the background. Seriously, it’s either BRILLIANT or completely retarded. But since it’s Lil’ Bow Wow and a song that makes me want to abuse anti-depressants, I’ll say it’s retarded. How does anybody actually LIKE this song? It’s like they just slapped you in the face with some executive’s private parts and was like, “There you go, another song, just for you.” This song sucks so much I had to kick my neighbor’s cat over the fence to feel better. Do you see what happens when Lil’ Bow Wow writes music? People get hurt!

That is all.

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