Single and Lonely: Fear Factor

Living as a Single-n-Lonely man has earned you a stiff upper lip. In the average weekend you come across more dangerous activities than anything NBC can dream up for Fear Factor. For most people, watching Fear Factor is a rush but you find yourself bored halfway through the show. If you weren’t so terribly lonely, you might even turn off the TV and go for a walk.

You watch the contestants eat hissing cockroaches and chuckle quietly to yourself, knowing that you could eat bugs like Wheaties after the body lice you picked up from LaFonda last summer. It’s hard to forget sandpapering your skin off. Next the contestants do a driving stunt and they are jumping Chevy Camaros off of buildings like Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka from the top rope. The cars crash and burn but everyone escapes alive, leaving you disappointed. Please! Last weekend you did the same thing except you had a bottle of peach schnapps in each hand and half of the local police force riding on your bumper. Personally, you aren’t impressed with Fear Factor.

Sure, the contestants on Fear Factor are in shape and attractive; congratulations to them. But let’s see if they can survive sleep deprivation for 60 hours while high on Crystal Meth and get to work on time Monday morning. You may spend Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday strung out with the thousand-yard-stare of a Viet Nam veteran, but at least you punched in.
I propose that a new reality show is needed for us Single-n-Lonely members of society. Not many things scare the Single-n-Lonely because we have nothing to lose. If we’ve went without sex long enough we are willing to risk everything for the tiniest portion of glory. Here’s the proposal for the new show:

The Prize: Without question, the prize on the Single-n-Lonely reality show needs to be a million dollars and a fine female, one hot enough to make the Average Joe sweethearts and the Bachelorette wonks look like common tramps.

The Contests: The contests would need to be shocking enough to make a police chase seem dull. Here’s a few ideas:

a.) “Weeding out the poseurs”: A good reality show always has a first show that acts as a weeding out process. On the Single-n-Lonely show, you have to be truly desperate. We suggest the first game to be a stamina contest called “The Crazy Asbestos Bag Game.” In this game, all the contestants put their head in a brown paper bag that is filled with cancer-causing asbestos. While the contesants breathe in the asbestos, the host will tell them of all the harmful effects. The truly desperate will prevail and ignore their future lung diseases.

b.) Milgram Shock Psychology Experiment: After World War II, a famous psychology experiment was done at Yale to observe how and why people obey authority. In our adaptation of the experiment, contestants’ mothers will be placed in a chair and hooked up to electrodes. Mother will be asked a question. If mother gets the answer wrong, the contestant must shock her. In order to pass this round, the contestants will have to prove they are not a momma’s boy and are so lonely that they would even harm their own mother to be with a woman.

c.) Scramble Pills: God bless the seventies. People did so many drugs back then that they even came up with a game called ‘Scramble Pills.’ In this classic fun-filled game you empty a standard bathroom cabinet of every tablet and caplet, dump them all in a big bowl and blindly swallow a handful of random pills. Our contestants would gulp them down and be given a single shot of bourbon. Whoever has the least entertaining reaction to the drugs is voted off.

The Wedding Episode Finale: In the last show, after many trials and tribulations, when only two Single-n-Lonely contestants are left those two will be sat down and briefed by Married-n-Bored men. These will be Married-n-Bored men from every stage in a marriage. One-year, five year, ten year, twenty-five year, and fifty year veterans of marriage will tell their stories to the Single-n-Lonely, describing how they have to sit down to take a piss or their wife goes insane. They’ll tell stories of sexless lives. Those men that married beautiful women will have the worst stories, telling how every man they ever came across tried to put a dick in his wife. The Single-n-Lonely men will realize they are better off without the beautiful bride waiting for them.

The final scene of our Single-n-Lonely reality show will be a Gladiator cage match between the two men. Each can select a medeival weapon like those seen in the movie Braveheart. Here’s the twist – unlike Romantic literature, the men will ferociously fight to get out of the marriage. After hearing the boring stories of the married men, they will scratch, bite, kick, and scream to retain their singlehood. If the victorious man has pity he will kill the loser with a ceremonial triton. If the winner decides to let the loser survive, the defeated man will bitterly go forth to marry the beautiful woman, win a million dollars, and immediately be inducted into the fraternity of the Married-n-Bored.

Desperately desperate,

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