The Alaska Pipeline is a Tube of Despair

The fact that corrosion and leaks led the BP people (British Petroleum) to shut down the largest domestic source of oil, the Alaska Pipeline, isn’t that big of a deal in and of itself. The Alaska Pipeline is responsible for over 500 oil spills each year. Shit, that’s a lot of little gooey penguins and black polar bears. That really sucks. Of course, I’m kidding, but I’m not kidding in a “ha ha look at the oil covered animals” kind of way. I’m kidding in a “fuck, the world is going straight down a black, corroded tube of despair” kind of way; a black, corroded tube of despair, just like that of the Alaska Pipeline. Can we talk about irresponsibility? WE can! Good.

Here’s a definition of the word irresponsible, as per the good people of


Marked by a lack of responsibility: irresponsible accusations.
Lacking a sense of responsibility; unreliable or untrustworthy.
Not mentally or financially fit to assume responsibility.
Not liable to be called to account by a higher authority.

One who has no sense of responsibility.
One who is mentally or financially unfit to assume responsibility for one’s actions.
One who is unlikely to be called to account by a higher authority.”

“Wow,” I thought to myself, neurons firing in my primate-like, pea-sized brain. “That kind of sums up BP, Big Oil, and the rest of their retarded, soul-sucking cronies.”

Now, I have nothing against BP or any of the other Big Oil megacorps, nothing personal anyway. I have nothing personal against BP President Bob Malone, the devil incarnate who has already proved me wrong by saying, “We are responsible.” I mean, what the fuck do we (I?) want from these people. Do I want Bobby Malone to come meet me at the Shell Station up the road and pay for a tank of gas? Does Shell own BP? Would that make a difference?

Everything is Oil this, Oil that, this god forsaken War for Oil, people screaming on the streets “No Blood for Oil!” (okay, that lasted for like one week in 2003, but you get the point). What is Joe Public supposed to make of this constant barrage of Oil related news? What does losing 8% of Oil supply mean? Well, it’s been about a week since that news “broke” and gas prices in my neck of the woods have actually gone down about 10 cents a gallon. “Fuck me,” I started to think. “I understand nothing.”

And, in the end, that’s all I really got. I can’t think about Big Oil money or Big Oil politics. It’s too much, I don’t function on their level, nor does anyone I know. I tend to think that people that do, however, are essentially evil, and I realize that’s wrong. But I do it anyway and I’ll continue to. I sleep better, I guess, or something.

I can allude to hypothetical black polar bears all day, just watch me. It’s not hard to do. They’re big, they’re black and they don’t exist. They prove a point that I can’t articulate. I’m a black polar bear. Black polar bear are replacing the proverbial black sheep. It’s a globalization thing; as everything gets bigger, everything in the world, so must our animal catchphrases.

The early bird gets the worm? Fuck that. The greedy condor gets the big, bloated cattle carcass.

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