5. Elliot Yamin is voted off American Idol, Yaminions of the world unite
In the slimmest margin of victory in the history of American Idol, goateed shorty Elliot Yamin was voted off the juggernaut television program. I have to admit, I don’t watch the show, but I do like to bet on it. I caught Katherine McPhee with 8-1 odds and I jumped on that train like a hobo on crack. She’s a shoe-in. It’s fairly absurd that we can bet on these contestants like thoroughbreds, but then again it’s not. Our popular culture has been steadily headed straight down the toilet bowl for quite some time. I wonder if the exiled contestants are taken out behind the barn and shot like horses too. So now AI is down to the final two. The beautiful, voluptuous McPhee and the 47 year old, southern pedophile look alike Taylor Hicks. Hicks has a stranglehold around the southern pedophile vote, and as far as I can tell that’s like at least 45% of the American Idol viewing audience (I don’t even know what that means, though). I hate American Idol. Fuck it.
4. Maury Povich is a dirty, dirty man (the world waits for Connie Chung to comment)
Maury Povich, formerly of the groundbreaking talk show program “Maury”, is being sued for sexual harassment. The suite alleges that Povich and others made producer Bianca Nardi watch porno movies, dress provocatively and encourage guests to lie about their sexual history; to spice things up. It also alleges that Povich was openly carrying on an affair with one Donna Brenner Ingber, another producer who, apparently, found men like Povich attractive. This brings up three things that need to be mentioned. One, who knew that the Maury Povich Show made Hedonism IV look like Hedonism II. Two, Connie Chung is either amazingly cool or ridiculously aloof. And three, I find people with two last names annoying, even if I’ve never met them
3. Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks (finally) calls off wedding
Its official, John Mason is the biggest schmuck in American History, a history that is full of famous schmucks. His bride-to-be runs off, fakes a kidnapping and he still takes her back. Time passes and then SHE breaks it off with him. Poor guy, I don’t know if I want to feel sorry for him or smack him in the head. How many times does a chick have to make a national fool out of someone before they get the hint? And this was no small time, backwoods wedding that she canceled. This was a gala affair with 600 on the guest on the list. Wilbanks should be arrested not for falsifying a police report but for completely emasculating a vulnerable man.
2. The inaugural Survivor winner, Richard Hatch, is sentenced to four years in prison
Richard Hatch was convicted of perjury and tax evasion, and sentenced to four years and three months in prison. No word on whether Hatch will attempt to outwit, outlast and outplay the gang rapists in the federal jail that will soon become his home. Richard Hatch rose to fame as the fat, naked guy on the first season of the CBS smash reality series “Survivor”. But after a slew of sketchy events, the mock celebrity found himself in some serious trouble with the government concerning his bank statements. One of the ridiculous claims made by the Hatch defense team was that their defendant thought that CBS would “take care” of the taxes on his million dollar jackpot. Nobody bought that the clever Hatch was that stupid, and his mountain of lies led to a longer jail sentence than anyone predicted. America will have to wait and see if “surviving” prison is as entertaining as “surviving” a reality show. In fact, Hatch in jail would make one hell of a program. I need to make some phone calls about this.
1. “This is why I need a gun” -Britney Spears, after nearly killing her baby, again
This story is getting old. Sean Preston, the unfortunate son of unfortunate former teeny bopper superstar Britney Spears, has almost died again. Spears almost dropped the poor little thing as she exited the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Manhattan. Gasping onlookers did what gasping onlookers do, they gasped. If it wasn’t for a bodyguard who supposedly caught the falling child, Sean Preston Spears would be dead. Eyewitness accounts say that the child’s head flung backwards as his hat flew to the pavement, but this isn’t the most disturbing thing. Allegedly, Britney Spears turned to the horrified crowd and inexplicably uttered the phrase, “this is why I need a gun.” What does that even mean? Does she need a gun so she can just shoot and kill her baby, sparing it the future torture of a Spears induced, paralyzing injury. Did Spears want a gun so she could fire at the crowd of gawking New Yorkers? Maybe she just wanted to kill herself. Perhaps we’ll never know.