10. ALEXA RAY, girl – Christie Brinkley
and Billy Joel
SAILOR LEE, boy – Christie Brinkley and Peter Cooke
There is nothing extradorinary about the name Alexa Ray. In fact I kind of think it is a rather beautiful, though still unique, baby’s name. It is, however, also the name of Billy Joel’s boat (on a side note, I have actually seen this vessel and it’s not as glamorous as one would expect). So, by the time the former model, Christie Brinkley, have moved on to husband number three and had her second daughter, I guess she had this on her mind. She named the next girl Sailor Lee, notice the nautical reference. It is also interesting to point out that both of these children have two word names with exactly the same amount of letters. But when I think about it, I guess that’s not all that interesting at all.
9. ZOWIE, boy – David Bowie and first wife
Just say it out loud, “Zowie Bowie”. It’s fun, isn’t it? Long before Daivid Bowie moved onto the ultra cool super model ectomorph, Iman, Ziggy Stardust had procreated with a, seemingly less provocative (inasmuch as woman who don’t have made up, single syllable names like Iman or Nico are “less provocative”), girl whose name was simply Angela Bowie. Born in 1971, there is more than a little confusion about the lineage of this rock star child’s name. Apparently, David Bowie was cool with him changing it from Zowie to Joey when he was 12, and for that- I’m pretty cool with Bowie as well. By 1992, he went by just Joe and by 1995, after graduating from college he, inexplicably, was going by Duncan Jones. On a completely unrelated related note, Zowie Bowie is allegedly the name of a current cover band featuring a husband and wife duo that spend too much time at the gym. It’s not clear whether or not they cover any pre or post Stardust era Bowie.
8. NICO BLUE, girl – Shannon Hoon
I pretty much just added this to the list because I wanted to get a shoutout to departed Shannon Hoon. He was a tremendous vocalist and Blind Melon was a semi-underrated band. Nico Blue isn’t all that strange of a name really, considering, of course, that you know who the original Nico was. Do you know who Nico was? Look her up and you’ll see that this a very appropriate name for any rock n’ roll princess. And this also brings up my next name, because blue is for boys…
7. ELIJAH BLUE, boy – Cher and Greg Allman
Despite the fact (or perhaps becuase of it) that Elijah Blue sounds like the name of some kind of over priced Ecstacy pill, it’s no coincidence that this poor child was concieved while his parents were on drugs. I’m not sure if that’s actually true, but it’s definately possible that Cher and Allman Brother Greg Allman (the only member of the Allman Brothers named Allman) were using some kind of illicit substance, at least when they decided that Elijah Blue was a good name for a baby boy. Subsequently, Elijah Blue has gone on to be known as both Phillips Exeter Blue (which sounds like some kind of pharmacutical subsidary) and the Eternal Pupil (which just sounds like the name of some obsure 60’s psych rock outfit). He also played guitar in a tie dye T-shirt during Cher’s video for “If I Could Turn Back Time”. Cher wore a thong in that video, and I can’t helping thinking how awkward that most of been for poor little Elijah. I also wonder if that song is actually about Cher wanting to “turn back time” so she could give her son a normal name.
6. IRELAND, girl – Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger
For the most part, I don’t have a problem with people naming their kids after countries or any geographic location, in general. Alot of “normal” names are derived from those sort of things anyway. Alec Baldwin was great in Beetlejuice.
5. LENNON, boy – Liam Gallagher and Patsy Kensit
This name strikes me as sad and pathetic, more than anything else. Is it not enough that Liam Gallagher has spent the better part of his life ripping off the Beatles with his group Oasis. Did he really have to, shamelessly, name his son Lennon. It would have been alright, and way cooler, if he had just named his kid Lenin. This way he could have had his cake and ate it too. Plus, people would have thought he was a socialist, and that would have increased his artistic credibility. What’s even worse about this whole thing is that his brother Noel (the talented one) gave his kid the middle name of Lennon TOO. God, I mean, that’s so predictable. Where’s the love for George and Paul? Or even Ringo, for crying out loud?
4. HOMER JAMES JIGME, boy – Richard Gere and Carey Lowell
This trifecta of a name is a real gem, as Richard (Insert your own gerbil reference here) Gere was able to, somehow, combine three elements of baby naming into one shoddy, boys moniker. The three elements being:
2. Slightly Unique and
3. What the fuck
I have to hand it to Gere, and fellow actor wife Carey Lowell, for coming up with such kooky name. It’s almost so calculated that it feels like it must have come to them in a joint dream. HOMER: Of course Homer wrote the Odyssey, but we all immediately associate this name with Homer Simpson- making it a happy medium between the everyman and the thinkingman. JAMES: As normal as they come. and JIGME: Jigme, hmm. It sounds African but that would just be awkward, right?
THE TOP 3
The top 3 all feature 3 kids from 3 different couples, because 3 is a great number. And these names crush anything and everything else on the list that came before them…they are so spine-crushingly awesome, in fact, that they warrant an introduction…and more elipses…
INTRODUCTION to the TOP 3:
The following nine names (except for Tiger Lily- which, for some reason, I kind of like) are all perfect examples of the true motives behind the science that is celebrewacky-babynaming. Selfishyness. Because there is something fishy about it in a selfish kind of way. Celebrites (if I may address all celebrities at this moment- as if they actually read my articles), there is no other reason to name your kid Fifi-Trixibelle other than to fulfill some sort of odd, selfish need that came about as a result of being named Bob or Paula or Tom or Katie. It’s okay, America gets it. You are unique people. You show us just how special you are with the art that you create. There is no need to go around giving your children names like Suri. Sure, some of them might appreciate it when their older and they might even say they like their names when they’re little- but they don’t. Some kind of social situation is going to arise where their weird name is going to cause them to be the victims of ridicule or some type of personal anguish. I’m positive little Apple looked all cute pooping in her diapers and suckling on Gwenyth Paltrow’s boob, but what’s it going to be like when she’s eleven and she realizes her name is APPLE. Come on, there’s nothing wrong with naming your kid John or Joey or Kate or Kris. Let them figure it out. If they want to change their name to Maximus Crispy Pants when their older, then FINE. But let them choose. It is the right way.
3. FIFI-TRIXIBELLE, girl
PEACHES HONEYBLOSSOM, girl
Bob Geldorf and Paula Yates
In the 60’s in wasn’t all uncommon for stupid hippies to give their children names like Moonbeam or Stardust or even something like Pixie. But Bob Geldorf and Paula Yates had their kids in the mid 80’s. Geldorf is best known as the guy who created the epic support concerts Live Aid, and more recently it’s sequel Live 8. He was also the guy who starred in Pink Floyd’s The Wall movie. Paula Yates was a Welsh TV personality, but is probably best known for being the mother of Geldorf’s, and INXS singer Michael Hutchence’s (more on that in #2), oddly named children. There’s not much to say about those names. They are what they are, which is to say they are ridiculous and stupid- and I can only hope that when those kids grew up they changed them to something more reasobable, which is to say anything. I do have to take issue with the fact that Trixibelle and Pixie are a bit too sonically similar for my liking. Is it too much to ask that you make sure that your children’s obsurd names don’t sound alike? It’s almost like, by the time they had Pixie they had given up on being creative and just let Peaches Honeyblossom name the next daughter. Which is why it was a good thing that Yates dumped that loser and shacked up with the manically depressed Hutchence to make her next three little girls…
2. HEAVENLY, girl
TIGER LILY, girl
Michael Hutchence and Paula Yates
I’m not too keen on anyone naming their kid after an adjective, or adverbs for that matter. Do you really want your child to have the same name as what some fat chick calls the Breyer’s ice cream he is hopelessly shoving into his face. And I have no comment on Hirvani (NOTE: I’m getting tired and writing this articly has, for some reason, made me want to drive my car into a lake). I do want to take this time to tell you a little about Paula and Michael- it just might shed some light on this whole thing. Both parents struggled throughout their lives with depression and drug abuse: Yates, because she never knew the true identity of her parents, and Hutchence because he knew he would never make another album as good as KICK. Both lives ended tragically as well. In 1997, Hutchence hung himself with a belt in a hotel room after pumping his system full of drugs and alcohol. His ghost apparently haunts the suriving members INXS because they,unashamedly, replaced him on a TV reality show. Yates kicked the bucket a few years later. She crammed a little too much heroin into her exploding veins after she heard her real father was gameshow host. A horrible custody battle for the three young kids ensued. Bob Geldorf actually became the legal gaurdian for precious little Tiger Lily. I wish her well.
1. RUMER, girl
Demi Moore and Bruce Willis
As far as the national media’s attention toward baby naming, well, the buck stops here. Bruce and Demi were the first “major” celebrities to go down this path which has become almost a rite of passage for movie stars who like to reproduce. All the Suri’s and Apple’s of the world need to know this; so, when they turn 16, and their looking for somebody’s house to egg on Halloween they can get to the right place.