Ask Lawn Green

At last the weather turns nice and our thoughts turn to our front lawns. I love my lawn and I want you to love your lawn, too. Because a lawn is a terrible thing to waste. I love getting your letters and answering your questions because they’re about lawns and I love lawns. And so should you. Let’s get to the mail sack for this week:

Dear Lawn,

I love your column. And I love lawns. I moved here from Brooklyn a few years ago. Oh, I’m from Bensonhurst and Joey says hi. He lives out here, too, now. You see his place? Nice lawn.

Anyways, so, you know, I move out here, figuring it would be better to raise a family out here in the county. So I got a house. Backyard. Front yard. Real nice. Real good lawn, right? But I got this problem, you see. My kids. They play on the front lawn. They play on the back lawn. They trample all over my nice lawn. How do you keep the kids off the grass?


Dear Nice,

Well, usually I try to get them to play over a neighbor’s yard. Failing that, I find a blanket of small green spikes does the trick.
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Dear Lawn,

When I moved into my duplex a few years ago, the first thing I did was rip up my driveway and make my lawn bigger. Then I got rid of the pool and extended the lawn. I moved the house onto stilts and put down more lawn underneath. Then my next door neighbor was selling his house, so I bought it, torn it down and put in a lawn. Now, I’m buying up the other houses on the block with an eye towards grazing them all and putting in this really big lawn.
So my question is: Do you recommend sod or seed?


Dear Great,

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Dear Lawn,

Can you settle a bet for us? My neighbor thinks the little boy peeing into the bushes is the perfect lawn accessory. I happen to think it is a cement Madonna statue. What do you think?



Dear Scape,

Gee, I don’t know. I got both!
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Dear Lawn,

What with the hot summers and all the water restrictions, my lawn gets that unhealthy brown tinge to it. What can be done about that?


Dear Deep,

Run down to the paint store or maybe your kid’s bedroom. Grab a couple of cans of spray paint. Forest Green is best. Then you can paint your lawn to give it that natural look.
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Looking for the perfect fertilizer? Well, after reading many gardening books and police blotters, I have turned up an excellent source of lawn food. No so long ago, Angleo D’Marco confessed to police authorities that the Mob has been dumping bodies in Staten Island for many, many years. And you should see the lawns they got out there!
So, dead mobsters appear to make very good fertilizer. Supply is a bit erratic, however. You never know when the next stiff’ll turn up. Though, Angelo asked me to say, “Yo, Tony, D., watch your step or you might be lawn food for the nice people here.”

Well, that’s all for this week. In my next column, I’ll be telling you how to keep your neighbor’s dogs from peeing on your lawn by building a simple device out of green wire mesh and three car batteries. You’ll love it. ‘Til then, happy lawning, everybody!

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