Aries: (March 21 – April 20) You selfish prick. So busy looking out for number one, you inevitably step in number two. You’re a hot-headed, impulsive, inpatient, jump-the-gun, Mother Superior. All of your friends are imaginary. If you had any real friends, they might advise you to look before you leap, but, basically, people just want you to take a flying leap. Only fools rush in, so learn to speak Rush In, Fool.
Taurus: (April 21 – May 21) Chances are you’ve got multiple restraining orders against you. A hopeless romantic – with emphasis on the ‘hopeless’ part – your life’s work is finding some poor soul to latch onto, then dragging that person down in the melodramatic quagmire that is your existence. Any pet rabbits will be made into stew. You can never have enough possessions, and whatever you do have is jealously watched over, like Gollum guarding his ‘precious’. Misery loves company, but people are crossing the street to avoid you. Happy stalking, Annie Wilkes.
Gemini: (May 22 – June 21) You’re scared of your own shadow. Hell, you’re scared of Punxsutawney Phil’s shadow. So paranoid, you think that the car in front of you is following you – the long way. You have the feeling that nobody likes you. This is because nobody likes you. You’re also a habitual liar; this may contribute to your paranoia. Being a sleazy, manipulative snake, in high school you were voted ‘Most likely to end up in somebody’s trunk’.
Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) The name says it all. Basically, you are a tragic disease, contaminating everything you come into contact with. You’re a clingy, crabby, emotional roller coaster, and everybody wants off. Being quite the drama queen, you tend to harvest pity from the Mother Teresa types of the world, which is fine with you. Tension and attention are your drugs of choice; though, you pop uppers and antidepressants like a less conservative Courtney Love.
Leo: (July 23 – August 22) It’s a good thing you love yourself so much, because nobody else is going to do it. Man, are you obnoxious. Mind your own business, you pompous, pretentious blowhard. Opinions are like assholes, and you are one gigantic opinion. Pry yourself away from that mirror for one second and take a good look at yourself. When you finally get over your delusions of grandeur, you’ll realize that you’re just a giant colostomy bag filled to capacity.
Virgo: (August 22 – September 22) You’re so anal that your face is caving in from the excessive ass suction; this is known as ass-phyxiation. Trying to please you is like trying to go swimming without getting wet. Male Virgoans are always gay. Anyone that thinks they know a Virgoan man who isn’t gay should check for closet space. Either way, you are an ice princess, completely void of human emotions. In your leisure time, you read the dictionary checking for spelling errors.
Libra: (September 24 – October 23) You ignorant slut. You don’t know which end is up, so you spend most of the time with your head down your butt. People who bother talking to you are either astounded by your no-limit witlessness, or they were drawn to the ‘Please Have Sex with Me!’ sign posted above your bare crotch. You have no opinion of your own and, if you ever did, you would disagree with yourself in no time.
Scorpio: (October 24 – November 22) If forgiveness is divine, then you’re the devil incarnate. But you think that everyone else is evil, and they’re all out to take what’s rightfully yours. So, you gossip about people you hate with people you hate, because the only people you know are people you hate. And the feeling’s mutual. You think that everybody thinks they’re better than you. Why waste your time pondering the obvious?
Sagittarius: (November 23 – December 21) Listen up, Pollyanna. Your enthusiasm is a negative, and of this I’m positive. Being in your company is like having a paper cut on the eyeball. Your cup may be half full, but everyone around you has emptied theirs, trying to get drunk enough so that they can tolerate your dumb ass. You’re a flighty and fake flake. They say that no two flakes are the same – thank God! You superficial sphincter.
Capricorn: (December 22 – January 20) You tightwad. You squeeze a penny so tight, Abraham Lincoln is squealing like Mini Mouse on helium. You’re a fatalistic fascist, finding the bad in everybody and everything. With you, every cloud has a cloud-lining. Buy some companionship with your rainy day money, you miserable miser. On a positive note: only the good die young, so you’ve got immortality written all over you.
Aquarius: (January 21 – February 19) Since this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, we should all just drink our dixie cup of Kool-Aid and call it a day. You tend to disagree just for the sake of disagreeing; though, you’d probably disagree with that assessment. You’re an eccentric artist type, who’s likely to make a sculpture of Alf out of your own feces, then insist the fecal piece holds major metaphysical implications that’ll draw us all together, instead of just drawing flies. You have Multiple Personality Disorder, but none of your personalities have any personality.
Pisces: (February 20 – March 20) You’re a pathetic recluse. You’re also an annoying idealist who clings to trendy causes like joining baby seal clubs that won’t club baby seals. You want to save the world, but kill all the people in it. You’re constantly imagining a world of hypothetical situations. You keep secrets from yourself because you don’t trust you. Hobbies may include collecting dust. I’d tell you more about yourself, but nobody knows you.