Finding the perfect Christmas gifts
for liberals couldn’t be easier this year. In fact, right now is a great time to be a liberal. The last five years have pretty much proven that we’ve been right about everything. Another three years of President Smirk and the word liberal may once again be proudly worn as a sign of intelligence and progressive thought.
With so much fodder being provided on an almost daily basis by the most incredibly out-of-touch and oblivious White House and Congress in the history of the US, consumer items geared toward liberals wishing to loudly proclaim “I told you so” are more plentiful than ever.
Herewith, the top ten Christmas gifts for liberals in 2005.
10) Nothing says Christmas like a tree ornament. And nothing says liberal like an ornament with a picture of Santa Claus holding up a sign that says “Dump Bush.” This is a nice round porcelain ornament, almost three inches in diameter. Good stuff.
9) Are you tired of those W bumper stickers? You know W: The President. W: Still the President. Ever wonder why he’s referred to by just an initial? Just listen to him talk, he has trouble stringing together more than one letter at a time. Fight back with a bumper sticker than turns things upside in much the same way that Bush has turned the truth upside down for five years. Get the M: The Moron dump bush bumper sticker in classic black with white lettering.
8) Another great bumpers sticker is more to the point. After all, Bush has let it be known that he’s doing God’s work as President. The perfect answer that to that fallacy is the bumper sticker that reads “I wish you had not voted for Bush-God.” Perfect for Christmas and true, too,
7) Has anyone else noticed a strange lightening of the Bill of Rights? There used to be ten amendments, but I think it’s down to around six now. Express your concern about the amazing shrinking Constitution through postcards. Buy the one that features the words of the First Amendment with an asterisk at the end. The asterisk features the tag line “Unless I say so,” and features a picture of Bush. You do remember the First Amendment, don’t you? The one that guarantees that Congress can’t limit the freedom of religion, speech and the press.
6) Calendars are a traditional Christmas gift and the ultimate calendar for liberals is the Official Countdown Calendar, which counts down the days until we’re free from Bush’s presidency. Included in the calendar are recounts of some of Dubya’s most embarrassing moments-you’d need a much longer calendar to recount them all, and some of W’s invented words. Illustrated with clever original artwork, it’s nice to look at while you’re crying that the final day is so far away.
5) Ever wonder how much fun it would be to watch Dubya trying to use a computer? Can you imagine? Remember when his dad was dumbfounded by that incredible invention the grocery store checkout scanner? (Which had been in existence for like about fifteen years by the time he saw it?) You know how to use a computer, of course, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. A great gift for the liberal in your life is the mouse pad with a question mark over a blank silhouetted head and the tag line “I can’t wait for 2008. Anyone will be better than George W. Bush.”
4) Remember when our Fearless Leader responded to the threat-not against him personally, but against thousands of poor soldiers he’ll never know-of Iraqi insurgents with those infamous two and a half words: “Bring ’em on.” Well, now you can immortalize those words on your tote bag, T-shirt, golf shirt, tank top or even a pair of thong panties, complete with a picture of good old Yalie cheerleader W himself holding up a megaphone.
3) Of course, there’s more to being a liberal than pointing out the mistakes of Dubya, though admittedly that is a full time job. Sometime during the Reagan administration, the definition of the word liberal was changed to make it a bad thing. It’s time to put things straight. You can do that by getting the liberal in your life the T-shirt that shows the world the true definition of the word liberal, including the fact that being a liberal means you’re not limited to authoritarian attitudes, you’re open to new ideas and you’re broad-minded.
2) Wear a T-shirt with a message and some people will pass right by without reading it. Wear a button and chances are it will be read. The best button for liberals this Christmas features a big crossed-out W with the logo BushCo and a trademark sign along with the slogan “Fascism is the new democracy.” It would be funny. If it weren’t true.
1) And finally the top Christmas gift for liberals. We all know who the most dangerous man in the world is and he ain’t sitting in an Iraqi jail. Express your concern over the fact that a criminal is the most powerful man in the world with a T-shirt featuring a wanted poster of Bush, complete with mug shot and a warning to stay away from this man who has committed crimes against humanity and the planet.