Do you like screaming underaged teeny bopper girls? Niether do I. However, I do like groupie older sisters, and that’s just what you’ll get after you form your very own Boy Band.
Yes, in an age of solo artists and pussy cat dolls, we have a very distinct hole in our hearts that can only be filled with one thing. Teen spirit. I’m talking about the all american bonified corn fed boy band.
Now I know what you’ve been thinking. I know you’ve spent many many sleepless nights pondering one thing:
“How can I start my own boy band?”
Well here I am to help. Tonight you’re going to learn how to fullfill your dreams.
1. Group Name
When considering a group name, you have to follow these rules:
A. Group name must have absolutly no personal relevence to you or anyone in your group.
Example: Pop Tarts, Wilderbeasts, GOM or Glass of Milk
B. Group name must reference a road of some sort.
Example: Boystreet, Puberty street, Music Lane
C. Group name must contain sexual undertones
Example: The Golden Showers, The Corn dogz, The Mammeries, The Sausages
2. Group Personalities
A. Bad Boy
The bad boy is the guy who snorts coke off the ass’s of the groupie hoes in the back of the tour bus before and after every show. Showing up drunk to rehersals is common and sometimes he will use your hotel robe for cleaning up the love juice he leaves in your bed. He will bang sluts in every city/state/country you travel to and will inevitably end up in rehab for some sort of addiction. His definition of “giving back to the community” is leaving his bastard children behind.
B. The Older Guy
The older guy is someone who will sing love songs to 14 year old girls on stage while he himself is over 35, but noone will seem to notice or care. He is obviously a charity case, meaning the band manager owed him from poker last Thurseday so he decided to let him be in the boy band. He is the father figure (pun intended), he’ll be over the hill by your 2nd cd and will be a grandfather by the time your greatest hits collection comes out.
C. The HeartThrob
The HeartThrob is usually the leader of the group. He handles all the important questions like:
“What’s your favorite color?”
“What’s your favorite food?”
“What do you like most in a girl?”
To which he will respond:
Honesty and Caring
To which he really meant:
Short and tight
“A lady in the street but a freak in the bed”
D. The Fag
The Fag is overly sensitive and will take the whole group thing a little too far. He will subtly bring up that they should consider taking group showers (for fun, duh!) and have pillow fights, in the midst of conversations. He only drinks Figi bottled water and over uses the phrase, “I swear”.
He will also make outrageous dressing room demands such as:
Bowl of delicious fruits
2.4 cups of Chocolate pudding
Barrel of assorted popcorn flavors
5 ham sandwiches
9 pints of mexican rice and beans
1 tube of raspberry flavored anal lube
3 british fighter pilots
10 cups of non-fat assorted flavored yogurt
1 reindeer hoof
C. The “who invited that guy?” guy
This guy looks like they needed a 5th member so they gave the dude who was fixing the air conditioning in the studio a hair cut and a manicure and told him he was gonna be famous. He’s the guy who’s name you can never remember and who when the band breaks up, will end up working at your local Sac N’ Save.
E. The rapist
The rapist typically sports some sort of awkward facial hair and a shiny metallic shirt. He suggests photo shoots under water falls surrounded by beautiful young women. As opposed to ‘The Fag’, his dressing room demands usually consist of:
1 roll of duct tape
edible panties (that he will eat off himself)
1 pair of puffy handcuffs
10 pack of date rape roofies
1 leather braided bull whip with matching executioners mask
1 pack of BallPark Franks
So! Hopefully you will use this information when choosing your boy band name and it’s members.