I was born with a terrible void with in me. An odd form of home sickness. Like the song from the band Soul Asylum that says “I’m home sick for a home I’ve never had”. That is how I feel. This home sickness has grown with me. When I was a teenager I realized that this home sickness had nothing to do with my family or with where I lived. It ran much deeper.
When I found paganism(my first exposure being Native American Traditions) it felt like a small homecoming. Finally, something made sense to me in a way that Christianity never did. I had taken a small step toward home, but I still didn’t know where I was going. I did find that I had always been pagan, I just didn’t know the word for it. This did not quiet the longing I felt. I delved into my studies of different forms of paganism to find a cure.
While I still have not found a cure for my home sickness, I do understand it a little better. I have found that some pagan beliefs and some cultures in general speak to me more than others. Learning about them has filled part of my void. I’m drawn to Native American Traditions and Irish/Celtic ones( yes, I know that Celtic means more than just Irish). I can not explain why I’m drawn to them. Its like it is encoded into my DNA somewhere.
I also learned that part of my home sickness comes form being an American with no roots. Like many Americans I have been disconnected from my ancestors. I have no knowledge of my history. I am one of the disconnected masses. I feel that when our ancestors came to America, the process of becoming americanized costs us. When I say americanized, I mean the altering/changing of names and the other kinds of things they had to do to fit in. In my search for my ancestors I haven’t gotten far. I can tell you what part of the globe they came from, but not who they where as people. And that makes me sad and more home sick. I do believe that it is a beginning to understanding this longing that drives me.
Are there others that feel this way? I think so. I think even an Irish author wrote something about it once. I think these feelings may be part of the reason that more people are becoming pagan. I’m not saying that paganism is the only way to get connected, just that more people are looking in more places. Everyone is looking to be come more connected. It reminds me of a movie where a native American guy calls a white guy a “wanna be”. And the native guy’s grandfather says “Yes, he is a wanna be, He wants to be connected.” I love that part. I’m a wanna be, and its not a bad thing.