Like many hardworking twenty-somethings bogged down with credit card debit, massive student loans, and a propensity to avoid all things home-cooked, I decided to peruse the web in search of some money saving tips. I figured that at this point in my life, any cutbacks would be sure to make a difference.
I was wrong.
Just as I anticipated, the Googled responses were numerous and varying. I started following the links to my new, debt-free life only to find that my future is much bleaker than I anticipated. The offered advice will save you (at best) a few pennies a month and (at worst) from having any semblance of a social life. According to the experts, I am doomed.
However, I refuse to accept defeat – and I don’t think you should either. I have taken the sage advice offered to me through a variety of cheapskate websites and altered it to fit my current lifestyle. Listed below you find their useless advice alongside my own. Financial freedom, here we come!
1)They say – Pay off your credit cards in full every month instead of carrying a balance.
I say – This would have been a good idea several years ago, before I got into this predicament in the first place. My advice is to pay the minimum balance every month to avoid the huge nonpayment fees. That’ll save you a fortune.
2)They say – Ride your bike to work. If you live in a place that is hot, take a packet of baby wipes to clean yourself up before entering the building.
I say – Ride your bike to work. Forget about cleaning up, just sit there all day smelling like a rotting cesspool of human body odors. On your breaks, sit outside with a paper cup (taken from the water cooler – you can’t afford to provide your own, remember?) and see how much extra cash you can collect.
3)They say – Refinance your home loan when rates are low.
I say – That’s funny. If I owned my own home, I could just cash in on the equity and move back in with my parents. I hear that’s fashionable.
4)They say – Only wash your clothes in full loads.
I say – Forget about washing your clothes. You can do wonders with a bottle of Febreze and a good airing out.
5)They say – Clip coupons and buy generic brand foods.
I say – Order a large pizza with the works (that way you include all the food groups) for pick up. Give them a bogus name like Paul McCartney and a wrong phone number. Go to pick up the pizza in the specified time frame wearing something respectable and adult-like (take your grandma if you can). When you get there and they haven’t made your food, they’ll probably feel really guilty about thinking you were a prankster (especially if grandma cries). Demand the pizza for free.
6)They say – Buy quality clothes/shoes that will last a long time rather than cheap ones that wear out and have to be replaced.
I say – This is good advice! Spend more money on clothes. I can do this one.
7)They say – Switch to low-energy light bulbs.
I say – Light bulbs are the only things in hotel rooms not bolted down. That means they’re free, right?
8)They say – Rent movies for free from the library rather than pay at a chain store or go to the theater.
I say – Have they every actually tried this? This idea is useless unless you want to watch Speed 2 on VHS or the latest documentary on eighteenth century syphilitic writers. Instead, you should go to your local electronics store near closing time. They usually have a good movie playing on the televisions when the manager is away.
9)They say – Buy airline tickets for off-peak seasons and weekday travel.
I say – If your biggest problem is not buying discounted airfare for vacations, I want nothing to do with you.
10)They say – Take shorter and colder showers.
I say – Forget about taking a shower. You can do wonders with a bottle of Febreze and a good airing out.