Paris Hilton’s Gone Celibate? No Way

Have you heard about this one? No, you haven’t? Well, lucky you then. Don’t let the edgy, juvenile tenor of my title fool you. This article is actually an in-depth sociological study on the importance (or lack thereof) of Paris Hilton, her right to exist if you will. Does she have the right to exist? Of course, what a silly question you little knucklehead. What I want to get into is her right to exist on my television and yours, in our vernacular and our conversations, in our lives.

There is something like a trillion people roaming the earthland as I type (give or take a billion, I don’t know, I’m not a scientist). Most of these are people you will never meet and never think about. Theoretically, they don’t matter and this is fine. For instance, take someone like James Hill; do you know who he is? I made up that name and then gave it to Google. Here’s what I came up with:

-James Hill (director) (dead), American film director, fifth husband of Rita Hayworth
-James Hill (folk musician), 19th century British (Tyneside) fiddler and composer.
-James Hill (Medal of Honor recipient from New York), American Civil War soldier
-James Hill (Medal of Honor recipient from Iowa), American Civil War soldier
-James Hill (soldier) (1901-2006), British paratroop commander
-James J. Hill (1838-1916), American/Canadian railroad magnate
-Jimmy Hill (born 1928), British former footballer and pundit
-Sir James Hill, British Conservative politician
-The name of a character portrayed by NASCAR driver Carl Edwards in a cameo during the fifth season of television series 24.
(LIST courtesy of

You see, James Hill is everyone and no one at the same time. How many more James Hills are there who are immune to the Google treatment? Hundreds? Thousands? What does this have to do with Paris Hilton? EVERYTHING.

Paris Hilton is an enigma. I hate calling her an enigma because I normally only use that word to describe girls who works at Starbucks that I will never ever be with. But she is an enigma nonetheless. She has no right to exist in a social way, or at least a “famous” social way. In other words, my mom should not know who Paris Hilton is. She has done nothing but be born. And that is not something that should be celebrated, unless your name is Jesus Christ.

Imagine if the offspring of every wealthy family was as famous as Paris Hilton? I don’t know about you, but my head would explode. You may’ve never heard about those 8.5 “famous” James Hills, and you most certainly know nothing about the countless, faceless, other James Hills, but I guarantee you that at least 83% of those humans have created and given more back to society than Paris Hilton ever will.

And this brings me to my final point. How and why does Paris Hilton’s celibacy announcement constitute news? Are we really at the point when a fake celebrity’s lack of a sex life becomes headline news? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills sometimes and I hate when people use the phrase, “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills,” but I just used it, that’s how crazy this makes me.

I don’t want to hear about Paris Hilton’s music career or her modeling career or her charity or her sex tapes or her Hamburger commercials. I don’t want to hear about it, not now, not ever. But alas, this is too much to ask for. She has broken the hymen of American pop culture awareness, and this bitch is a bleeder. God help us all.

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