Upon entering the Oakland Ave. Pick n’ Save via the southern entrance, closest to the produce section, deli, and checkout lines, I was relieved at the immediate acceptance the workers gave me for, much to my surprise, we were all very drunk and high. “Hi may I help you?” the moustached produce boy inquired. “No!” I shouted, “I’m here on assignmÃ¢Â?Â¦ a quest for hilarity!”
“Hilarity?” he was too easily confused.
“Why yes! All that which is hilarious! I’m here in search of your funniest foods.”
“I don’t know if we have any funny foods.” Poor boy. He was in desperate need of comical insight.
“Come over here, Son, let me show you somethingÃ¢Â?Â¦” I drew him very close and sneaked a banana into my hand. He stared at it. He was stoned, confused. Making strong eye contact with him I placed the banana near my crotch. I look towards the nearest female we might find mutually attractive and his eyes follow. With a “whooOOOP” I slowly curve the banana upward and I can see that he is now smirking. Along walks a portly man. So with a “WHOOoooop” my banana-phallus is compromised. He laughs and I immediately throw the banana to the ground, so I am allowed two free hands to grab his wrists. “You see?!” as we jump up and down together giggling, “now you know! Now you know how seriously funny food can be!”
An old woman unknowingly squishes the banana with her walker, causing her to lose her balance and hit her head on the corner of a kumquat display, covering herself in the tiny oranges as she plummets to the hard linoleum below.
“Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!” we laugh in unison. I shake him by the shoulders, “Now you know! Now you understand!” I free him to go tell his friends so I can continue searching.
Coconuts, I scrawl into my notepad. Absolutely shit goofy! To joke about coconuts is to sometimes poke fun at the Hawaiian culture, whether or not the joker is wearing a coconut bra. It is also a very frustrating fruit, and those who choose to eat them (whether they are stranded on a desert island) are rarely satisfied by their efforts. Also, when I was a stoned, moustached produce boy myself, I would often fantasize about saving the grocery store by hurling them at the impeding terrorists.
Mango: an aphrodisiac, I believe, even if you’re not Chris Kattan.
Cherry tomatoes: there was a renowned home video of a cherry tomato with a face drawn on it being squeezed with a vomiting sound effect. Yes, coincidentally that sound effect was made by Bob Saget. Also these tomatoes have very low self-esteem when stocked next to normal sized tomatoes.
Broccoli: Thomas Jefferson was responsible for bringing this to the and he was a rapist.
Watermelon: Funny to watch Gallagher smash with the same hammer he uses to abuse his cats.
Pineapple: Definitely the most painful fruit to shove up your ass. Also hails from Hawaii. Coincidence? I think so!
Asparagus: Does not look, smell, taste, feel, or sound delicious. Also it makes your pee smell like your kidneys are failing.
Cucumbers: Very phallic and popular among lesbians and vegetable molesters. I have seen these used in condom commercials; I wait for the day that they use one of those huge ones that only mothers and Texans can grow.
Gala apples: Can easily be pronounced GAY-la apples if you need to amuse an 11 year old and you’re too busy thinking about your impotence.
The aforementioned produce worker returns. “Hey watch this mister! Garlic: to ward off vampires!”
“And girls,” I think. I am not amused and stare at him coldly.
“Now, Elephant Garlic: to ward off elephant vampires and Republicans!”
“Go to hell.”
I continue on. Bagged Crystallized Ginger: easily the oldest imitation candy in the store. Not funny outside the store. Marie’s strawberry glaze: obese people think this is healthy; they use it to balance their frosting intakes. Plantains: Mitch Hedberg did a great joke about these: ‘Bananas are like the opposite of a stoplight-green means stop, yellow means go, and red, hey where the hell are you getting these bananas?’ Also, they are smaller than conventional bananas and are weird-looking. Bagged Pineapple Tango: I’m glad they incorporated a dried-up tropical dance into this disgusting assortment of dried-up tropical fruit. Edible flowers: another aphrodisiac. Classic, if you’re French or anorexic. Mushrooms: I never particularly found conventional mushrooms that funny when I worked produce, but my coworkers sure did. I guess it’s funny if you’ve never done magic mushrooms. Soy Nuts: Spanish equivalent of saying ‘I am Loco.’
Also in the produce section I find Wood Ear: it sounds like something a witch would use in a brew. Definitely a negative connotation with the imagery of a wood ear being put in someone’s food. Also it was next to the imit. Guacamole: I had seriously never even considered proclaiming ‘Holy Guacamole’ before today. Peanuts: Many people are highly allergic to these, including myself. If I eat a peanut, or something that has touched a peanut, I swell up internally and vomit profusely wherever I happen to be-not unlike many heroin junkies.
I’ve found some cheeses. Cheese is funny in and of itself. Thank you, Urkel, may you rest in peace! Goat cheese: possible euphemism for STDs and infections alike. Also it comes from a goat, a classically funny animal. Just read the bible. Stella Swiss: Stella! Swiss cheese is also funny because it looks and smells defective. Muenster Cheese: so delicious it’s gotta be funny. A cheese that’s very easy to abuse-think about it. Head cheese: I know I know, not really cheese, ground-up fetuses. Seriously, though, the idea of eating ground up brains is disgusting. I actually pick the package up to feel its weight; I can’t believe Louie Anderson was raised on this shit. Smoked string cheese is a funny food because many people mistake it for regular string cheese, only to later find out that it tastes like it has been pasteurized in a bowling alley.
Now I’m at the deli. The worker doesn’t believe that I’m writing all this down for a class nor does she believe me when I tell her that I go to college and that these are my real sideburns. Instead I ask for a pound of each of the following: bean salad; potato salad; ham salad, which also reminds me of brains; coleslaw (or just SLAW if you’re drunk like me); chicken wings; and honey smoked turkey. I then asked the worker if she could mash it up in a bucket because that’s what it’s going to be like in my stomach after the picnic anyways. I laugh at my own joke and then request her to “show me the Tuna Spread!” in my best Jerry McGuire reference. She just slaps me and walks away. I was actually going to ask for some Meat loaf, which is the one of the best forms of meat. I’m sure they called meat loaf something incredibly long winded and lofty in the past, as wellÃ¢Â?Â¦ like ‘the loaf-ed meat’ or something along those lines.
\Speaking of meat, here I am! The meat section! Immediately I walk past the Vegetarian products stocked in the meat section but I am very hungry at the thought of a soy-based chicken nugget that tastes just like the greasy ones, except with less death and cancer, so I go back, get a cart, and fill it with all of the aforementioned foods. I pause to examine the nutritional values on the box of the nuggets and I am very pleased with myself until I turn around and am mocked by overweight rednecks. I’ll show them! I go and pick up some Societe Roquefort, complete with its own booklet (entirely in French). Now that they aren’t looking I pick up some Usinger wieners, because they might find them, being wieners, funny and/or homosexual. I just happen to favor them over Chicago hot dogs because I know what happens with hot dogs in Chicago; I have read The Jungle by Sinclair.
I can’t believe they put the Italian sausages next to the Polish sausages; don’t they remember WWII? I must admit both of these are pretty funny because if you get caught shoplifting them you can just mutter something incoherent in an accent and run away.
Hey there are the smoked pork hocks! Or should I go with the smoked boneless pork shoulder butt? I’d better get them both since I don’t know which part of the hog either of them came from. MmmÃ¢Â?Â¦ smoked fish spread. What better way to dress up a Saltine cracker (the cheapest and saltiest of all crackers). I’d better put it back. I don’t know how it’s prepared: whether they smoke the fish, then mash it into paste, and add pink dye or mash the fish, chemically sanitize it, then add Liquid smoke (aisle 3). I guess I’ll just have to settle for the solid form of smoked chubs, but I don’t know what to do with the scales. Imported herring tidbits with sour cream and chives-trying to dress up this swill is like putting a tiara on a burn victim. Canned claw crab meat-I usually try to incorporate a tongue twister into my explanation of why I’m such a failure and why I eat canned claw crab meat straight out of the can. It’s right next to the blue swimming crabmeat pasteurized lump meat-the title of this digestive monstrosity has about as many benefits as my Hardee’s worker grandpa.
Turkey Breast, chicken breast-which fowl would I rather feel up? Whole chickens: very funny because of their vulnerability and shape. Also, you can make them dance and throw them through windows.
Ooh yeah, beef bites. I wouldn’t mind finishing off a bag of those in my truck and then smoking a carton of Marb’ Reds. Perdue chicken chicken livers. So is it chicken or is it chicken chicken? I just want to throw one of these gigantic bags of Saz’s fully cooked baby back pork ribs over my shoulder and expose myself to a cavewoman. Smoked pork neck bone is strangely similar to the soup bone, but their both funny in their own ways: a neck bone, for me, incorporates some kind of pain (maybe a whiplash) in getting that from the animal whereas a soup bone just looks like the meat company is selling garbage. Much like pigs feet-by far the grossest of the animal products with the skin still on. I actually found a jarred ‘value pack’ of these as well. That’s value!
They put the mock chicken legs right next to the No Name steaks. That is some illegitimate meat. Corn dogs, finally! The circus has come toÃ¢Â?Â¦ my dirty microwave! Chicken patties are funny because they are in patty form-a form which resembles many things. You can pretend your patty is a washcloth and wash yourself with it, or even pretend it’s a compact mirror that aids you in applying your lipstick. I once blew a kiss using a chicken patty. The pizza patty is very funny and delicious as well because someone somewhere desired pizza in hamburger form. Coincidentally here are the bratwurst patties. I grab three packages of each.’
Don’t forget about other lunch room foods like Salisbury Steaks.
All this meat is making me hungry for greasy chips! I go and grab some Doritos because everyone knows that these will fill me up and make me higher by 10%. Here are some blue tortilla chips which look just like really old tortilla chips. That’s torti-lluh, too, it’s way funnier. Here’s the shoestring potatoes: I’ve never had them but I imagine it would be like eating substandard French fries. Funyuns: because they’re fun and they taste like a locker room floor. Poppycock!
Wow! I’m getting thirsty! Think I’ll pick up some YooHoo because I can’t quite afford chocolate milk. I’ll need Mountain Due and Sobe because I will be mountain biking, skateboarding, and hang gliding later. I once knew a girl with a Sobe tattoo on her wrist. Jolly Good soda: drink enough of this and people will think you’re jolly because you’re fat. Diet Rite: I knew another girl who thought this was a contemporary, health conscious version of Rite. I’ll pick up a couple of Capri Sun pouches because I haven’t wasted away enough of my life as it is. I’ll need some Prune juice for when I’m 80. Hi-C Ecto cooler: the only merchandise that ever lasted past 6 months, and it’s in food form!
This might not be enough to quench my thirst; I’m going to need some condiments. Sweet n’ Sour sauce is simply delicious on everything, plus it’s asian *wink *wink. Does Mrs. Buttersworth pancake syrup count? Worcestershire sauce: almost as hard to spell as it is to enjoy. Hooters wing sauce: because that’s why I go to Hooters. Actually it’s because I feign heterosexuality.
Speaking of feigning heterosexuality I have to make my way over to the canned good section to pick up some Manwich, Chunky Soup, Dinty Moore Beef Stew, and Bush’s Magic Chili Starter (fuck you George Bush I and II for making such magically delicious chili starter!). Better not forget the Texas Toast! Oh, and Chef Boyardee, you’re not a man! Go eat some Rice a Roni!
Speaking of breads everyone should pick up some pumpernickel because not only is it funny sounding, it’s funny tasting too! Also there’s this company Whole Grain classics that labels each of their breads a ‘wholegrain classics’ and I’ve actually used that to refer to these breads. Stay away from the disillusioned Natural Ovens Bakery that names its breads ridiculous things like Happiness, Glorious, Hunger filler and Health Max.
In the frozen section I grab a bunch of Hot Pockets, Lean Pockets, Croissant Pockets, and Breakfast Pockets. These are always on sale for some reason that own my bowels know. Think I’ll get some Tostino’s Pizza Rolls too. Here’s a Tina’s chicken burrito which, for 88 cents, you can too easily go wrong! I’m pretty sure their filling is composed of chicken spit.
White Castle microwaveable mini-burgers definitely won’t help my gout, but then again what will? I ate way too many Onion Rings last night to even think about eating those ever again.
Then I see a beacon sent down from the Lord above. I hear golden trumpets as angels carry me to the end of aisle 6 and open the freezer door. There it is: Hungry Man Sports Grill beef quesadilla with potato skins. Hallelujah! Am I in trailer park heaven? With its 53 grams of fat and 980 calories (480 of which are from fat) you just can’t deny its place in heaven.
I stumble upon Au Bon AppÃ?Â©tit frozen falafels and am alarmed at the logo lady’s resemblance to Boy George. I lick my lips. It’s time for dessert.
Fig Newtons because they are not cookies they’re fucking fruit and cake. Dare chocolate fudge cookies: funny because fatties actually dare each other to eat these. Marshmallow CrÃ?Â¨me: eat the whole jar and you’ll get the joke.
That’s it. I’m officially ill at the thought of that. I think I lost my appetite. I decide to throw this last jar into my shopping cart anyways, since I’m just going to leave it next to the bathroom next to the Lunchables (the tackiest way to give your children cold pizza or crackers, meat, and cheese for lunch). In fact, the whole layout of this supermarket is making me sick; I am actually yearning for communism. As I leave the store the manager, who has been sober and following me this whole time follows me out. I wave to the produce boy and the deli worker, promising them both we’ll get crunked up sometime. In the parking lot the manager grabs me and the Italian Sausages I shoplifted fall out of my pocket. I curse at him in a mutated Spanish, spit on him, and run away.