The Hummingbird Menace

Since the dawn of civilization, mankind has been at odds with that awful, hovering Sky-Snake known as the hummingbird. Through the ages, humans have fought a mostly losing battle in our noble attempts to protect our precious sugar-water. Hanging sugar-water in containers in high, hard to reach places. Making the sugar-water containers yellow to attract bees (natural enemy of the hummingbird). All these strategies seem to have been for not, forcing us to refill our sugar-water supply on an almost daily basis. But take heart! The House Committee of Humming Bird Affairs has released new and improved guidelines for combating the hover-menace:


Through exhaustive research, the House Committee of Humming Bird Affairs (HCHBA) has determined that humming birds have almost no sense of smell, and are attracted to flowers and flowering trees with a high degree of visual appeal. How insidious of the flapping-fiends, using our very sense of aesthetics against us! Favored flowers include the Foxglove, Yucca, and Hummingbird Mint (The HCHBA apologizes for not sooner realizing the danger of the Hummingbird Mint). It’s best to insure that there are no flowering plants of any type around your property. The HCHBA highly recommends replacing all plant matter, including lawns, with concrete. Just to be on the safe side.


Recent interrogations have revealed that hummingbird’s metabolisms are so high, that they must obtain sugar-water just to make it through the day. Never mind the fact that this rampant consumption of sugar-water will lead to higher prices and shortages, that’s for the analysts to worry about. We’re talking about home defense. Recent sweetener technologies have developed no-calorie sugars, such as Splenda. By temporarily replacing sugar-water containers with Splenda-water, you’ll trick the little bastards into thinking they are getting a hearty meal. In fact, they’ll be receiving no nutritional value at all! The humming bids will then likely faint from hunger, making them easy to capture.


The HCHBA would like to retract it’s previous recommendation to shoot hummingbirds. New research has revealed that humming birds are too small and flighty to effectively shoot, even with a scatter gun. The HCHBA offers it’s deepest apologies for anyone hurt by stray bullets, or any property damage that may have occurred. Remember to focus any anger into creative way to eliminate the world of these Aviary-Aversions.

Note: Current net technology offers no effective means of catching humming birds. They are simply too fast and agile. You can do you part by making sure your children have a strong background in applied netology. The solution to the war may be in the hands of your future scientist!

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