JA(Y)SON WILLIAMS, def.: (1) the most popular name in the history of the National Basketball Association (NBA); (2) someone who likes to get drunk and shoot limo drivers; (3) someone who crashes a motorcycle the first time he rides one even though they’ve signed a multi-million dollar contract prohibiting such an activity; (4) a straight up gangstarized white boy who can truly handle the rock
3. JAYSON WILLIAMS (Phoenix Suns, New Jersey Nets)
Jayson Williams is back in the news today. It looks like the former NBA standout center will have to face his maker for a second time. Bottom line, this Williams shot a limo driver because he was drunk and didn’t do any jail time. I call bullshit, and that’s why Jayson has wound up in the three spot on this monumental list. Kids out there, if you shoot your limo driver in the chest while your plastered, neglect to call 911 as you try and cover it up and even attempt to pay some other poor schmuck to say he didÃ¢Â?Â¦you have to go to prison. And not a country club style joint either, you have to go to a serious, poop poking kind of place. This may sound harsh, but if our society doesn’t abide by this rule, well, that’s not much of a society is it. You might even find yourself in last place on a list of people with the same name as yours, and nobody wants that.
2. JASON WILLIAMS (Chicago Bulls)
In 2001, this Jason Williams (or just Jay) won a national championship at Duke (a famous university that used to known for its basketball program and high academic standards, and not lacrosse team gang rapes). #22 was quite the little spark plug, a point guard who emulated Isiah Thomas, but apparently he did not learn how to read while attending Duke. He signed a million dollar deal with the Chicago Bulls which clearly stated that if he were to become injured in a motorcycle accident his contract would become null and void. So, after a stellar rookie year, he promptly went out and bought a motorcycle and proceeded to crash it on the first try.
1. JASON WILLIAMS (Sacramento Kings, Memphis Grizzlies, Miami Heat)
I call this Jason Williams, homeboy skillet. He doesn’t know that I do this and if he did he would probably punch me in the face (or shoot me in kneecaps). He is the rare white player in this era who can actually handle the ball and pass (except for Steve Nash, but he’s Canadian and, thus, more of a pale grey and not really white). Most white (American) players are only good at one, intensely specified skill. For instance: shooting threes (Steve Kerr), missing free throws (Chris Dudley), inexplicably winning the slam dunk contest (Brent Barry), taking a charge (any of the Barry brothers), looking funny (Michael Doleac), being a mean rebounder but also just mean (Bill Lambeir), and all of the above plus many more (Larry Bird). Okay, Bird was a freak so he doesn’t really count. But Jason Williams is definitely a slightly better than average backup point guard. At least he hasn’t been injured in a motorcycle accident (seriously) or killed a man (I hope); that’s got to count for something. And it does. #1 on this list, congratulations.