Vice President Dick Cheney’s Aides Scramble to Plan Last Minute Hunting Trip

Warning: The following article is political satire.

Well, Americans, here we are again, at the dawning of yet another proud moment for the Bush administration. In the latest example of the hippie leftist liberal Godless democrat nonpatriot communists’ attempts to bring down the single greatest group to ever occupy our great White House, Vice President Dick Cheney is being sued. Former CIA operative Valerie Plame, and her husband, former Ambassador Joe Wilson have filed a lawsuit accusing Vice President Cheney, former aide Scooter “fall guy” Libby, and Karl “balls” Rove, as well as several unnamed administration officials of putting Joe Wilson, Valerie Plame, and their family at risk by exposing Valerie Plame’s name in the press. In a time of war, Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame dare to be litigious and whiney. Is there no end to the pussification of America by liberals?

Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame’s attorneys have released a statement claiming that the lawsuit concerns the intentional and malicious exposure by senior government officials of Valerie Plame, whose job it was to gather intelligence to make the nation safer and who risked her life for her country. Wow. I can assure you, Americans, Vice President Dick Cheney gathers much more intelligence, and makes the nation much safer, than Valerie Plame could ever hope to. When the Vice President is on the job, you can bet those old (rusty) wheels are (reported to be) turning. No “operative” can claim to be shouldering the safety of a nation, unless they’ve spent as many years as Vice President Dick Cheney has in intense negotiations with the Bin Laden family.

Specifically, the lawsuit accuses Dick Cheney, Scooter Libby, and Karl Rove of violating the constitutional rights of Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson to equal protection and freedom of speech, as well as privacy. Counsel for Vice President Cheney said in a statement, “Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame need to calm down. It’s not like she could have gotten killed or anything, geez.”

The details of Valerie Plame’s lawsuit allege that Vice President Dick Cheney, Scooter Libby, and Karl Rove used Valerie Plame to punish Joe Wilson for his public statements against the intelligence used to justify the Iraq War. This is yet another preposterous accusation on the part of Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson. First of all, if the intelligence about Iraq was wrong or fabricated, we wouldn’t have found the abundance of nuclear capability we found there, now would we? Secondly, why would powerful, successful, God-fearing men like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove need to punish Joe Wilson? It’s not as if he was planning a tell all book or something. The lawsuit goes on to allege that Vice President Dick Cheney and Karl Rove went about a ‘whispering campaign’ to discredit Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson, and deter other critics from speaking out. Absurd. Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are two of the greatest men in our nation. They don’t need to deter anything. They have the Patriot Act for that.

As the only administration official to be officially charged in the investigation into the leak of Valerie Plame’s name, Scooter Libby faces trial in January on perjury and obstruction-of-justice charges. He’s accused of lying to FBI agents and a federal grand jury about when he learned the identity of Valerie Plame and what he subsequently told reporters. It’s also widely believed that Libby lied about who he learned the identity of Valerie Plame from, saying he got her name from Vice President Dick Cheney. What most probably happened was Libby photocopied and forged security clearance, got the name of a random secret agent with the CIA, and spread the name Valerie Plame all over town himself. Libby was obviously sticking it to Dick Cheney. Clearly, anyone who believes Libby’s testimony is patently unamerican. The fact that prosecutors chose last month not to seek charges against one of this country’s greatest patriots, Karl Rove, is to their credit.

Meanwhile, Valerie Plame has agreed to write her memoirs for Simon & Schuster, weeks after a reported seven-figure deal with the Crown Publishing Group fell through. If this doesn’t prove Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson are greedy, self-serving America-hating Dixie Chick listeners, I don’t know what does. We’ve now obtained an unverified excerpt from Valerie Plame’s book. As we knew it would, it claims she had multiple abortions and attended at least a dozen gay marriages. She’s also quoted as saying she “hopes that gun lover Charleton Heston’s Alzheimer’s gets worse”. Disgusting, Ms. Plame.

Not since Hillary Clinton’s election has a blatant attack on America been more evident. Our brave administration, in the face of more environmental protection, ethanol production, and many other nuisances, has kept its dignity. Will the heathens bent on ruining us not rest? We can only hope, Americans, that the continued testing of our values by Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson does not distract President George Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney from achieving their ultimate and righteous goal, of ridding the world of non-Christians. This reporter believes that blessed day will still come for us. When there will be no more seperation of church and state, when marriage will be sacred again, when Vice President Dick Cheney is allowed to hunt among the amber waves once more, unchaperoned-that is the day we should look to. Rice Rove 2008!!!

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