Final Fantasy X: Supercondensed

We start off with TIDUS competing in a BLITZBALL GAME in the futristic city of ZANARKAND. SIN arrives and TEARS APART THE CITY. AURON, the MYSTERIOUS OLD GUY WITH A BIG-ASS SWORD, shows up and helps TIDUS ESCAPE. Some funky VISUAL EFFECTS ensue and TIDUS is transported to the half-sunken BAAJ TEMPLE.

Tidus: Did you know that “Baaj” spelled backwards is “Jaab?”

Rikku: And did YOU know that “norom” spelled backwards is “Moron?”

Tidus: Ah, no. But I could’ve figured it out.

TIDUS is ATTACKED by a MEDIOCRE FIEND. RIKKU shows up and SAVES his WHINEY ARSE.

Tidus: “Whiney arse…?” What language is that?

Instead of KILLING HIM, RIKKU’S FAMILY agrees to drag him along on their hunt for the AIRSHIP. They FIND IT at the BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN. RIKKU explains to TIDUS that ZANARKAND was destroyed by SIN ONE THOUSAND YEARS AGO.

Tidus: Let’s all do the time warp again!

Rikku: ‘smacks him’ No more “Rocky Horror Picture Show” for you.

SIN ATTACKS RIKKU’S VESSEL, and TIDUS is DUMPED OVERBOARD. He drifts to BESAID ISLAND, where he awakes to discover WAKKA and the BESAID AUROCHS practicing BLITZBALL moves. WAKKA drags him into town. He meets LULU, KIMAHRI, and YUNA in the temple. YUNA BECOMES A FULL-FLEDGED SUMMONER.

Lulu: Hm. So she steps out of the inner chamber sweating profusely, breathing heavily, and so tired she could barely walk.

Yuna: B-but I was praying! Honest!

Lulu: ….Right.

The group head out the next morning and SET SAIL to KILIKA. SIN ATTACKS and THRASHES KILIKA as they arrive.

Wakka: They build their town on the beach and have “Kill” in their name? They were asking to get torpedoed by Sin.

The group SHRUGS THEIR COLLECTIVE SHOULDERS and YUNA RECIEVES A NEW AEON.

Ifrit: I’m known around the Square offices as either “Old Reliable” or “We’re scraping the barrel so let’s just throw that fire-demon-thing in there for the hell of it.” Take your pick.

The group sets sail again and journeys to LUCA, the only SPORTS TOWN on the PLANET. TIDUS and WAKKA participate in the BLITZBALL TOURNAMENT, and despite all of the WACKY HIJINX surrounding the games, THEY LOSE.

Tidus: Man, I can’t believe we lost to a team named the “Goers.”

Wakka: This coming from a guy who claims he played for the “Zanarkand Abes.”

Tidus: And this coming from a guy whose name is one-third of a muppet catchphrase.

Wakka: And this coming from a guy who can’t figure out if he wears shorts or pants.

Lulu: And this coming from two dorks who don’t know when to finish up a gag.

The group assimilates AURON into the party, and the geezer tells TIDUS that SIN is really his FATHER.

Tidus: So I’m the “Son of Sin,” eh? I guess that makes me evil.

TIDUS becomes one of YUNA’S GUARDIANS. They travel the MI’HAN HIGHROAD and participate in OPERATION MI’HAN, an attempt to DESTROY SIN. Despite SEYMOUR’S EMPTY BLESSINGS, the plan FAILS and 98% of the participants KICK THE BUCKET. The group SHRUGS THEIR COLLECTIVE SHOULDERS AGAIN and MOVE ON. YUNA GETS ANOTHER AEON.

Yuna: Yay for me.

They continue on. While crossing the MOONFLOW, YUNA is KIDNAPPED by an AL BHED MACHINA. TIDUS and WAKKA dive in and RESCUE HER. The AL BHED controlling the MACHINA turns out to be RIKKU, YUNA’S COUSIN. After RIKKU disrobes the wetsuit, the girls HUDDLE.

Wakka: I wonder what they’re talking about, ya?

Auron: I bet it involves shoes.

Rikku: ‘sputters’ HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

RIKKU becomes YUNA’S SIXTH GUARDIAN. The group travels through GUADOSALOM and the THUNDER PLAINS to reach the next temple. THEY KILL SEYMOUR.

Tidus: Well hey, he should’ve kept his paws off my woman.

The group become OUTLAWS. They FLEE, fall down a CHASM, and somehow are thrown to the AL BHED’S HOME.

Tidus: So the name of the Al Bhed home city is… Home…?

Rikku: Yeah, my pop’s a genius… or a complete idiot.

The GUADO ATTACK HOME. Using the AIRSHIP, the survivors ABANDON and BLOW UP their HOME.

Rikku: M-my manga collection…! All… gone…. ‘sobs uncontrollably’

It turns out that SEYMOUR, still DEADER THAN NIXON, is out and about because he REFUSES TO DIE.

Aeris: Now why in the hell didn’t I think of that?

The TREE-HAIRED WIERDO ALMOST MARRIES YUNA. The scoobies come to her rescue and she recieves another AEON. They travel through the CALM LANDS and MT. GAGAZET to get to the ruins of ZANARKAND.

Tidus: Man, this place looks a lot shabbier than when I left it.

They meet with LADY YUNALESCA. She tells them that Yuna’s pilgramage was a SHAM, their efforts are in VIEN, and SIN is ETERNAL. Feeling RIPPED OFF, the scoobies SMEAR YUNALESCA into the PAVEMENT.

Yunalesca: And I just got a facial. Phooey.

CID swings by and picks up the scoobies in the AIRSHIP. They go back to BEVELLE and MAESTER MIKA commits POST-NECRO SUICIDE.

Tidus: Oooooh, so that’s what they call it when you kill yourself after you’ve already died.

YUNA and TIDUS talk with the FAYTH, or the SPIRITS OF THE AEONS. They come up with a GAME PLAN to DEFEAT SIN FOR GOOD. It involves SINGING.

Rikku: Ooh! Ooh! Does it involve bustin’ a move on a dance floor too?!

Yuna: Um… no.

Rikku: Dang it. I was hoping I could put my mad DDR skillz to use.

They put the plan into motion and LOP OFF two of SIN’S ARM-LIKE APPENDAGES with CID’S HUGE-ASS CANNON. After OPENING UP SIN like a MOVIE PREMIERE, the scoobies FORCE THEIR WAY INSIDE.

Tidus: I really hope that was the mouth.

SEYMOUR shows up ONCE AGAIN, apparently from VEGAS, because he brings a few ROULETTE WHEELS with him. The scoobies TROUNCE HIM THOUROUGHLY, and YUNA sends him to the FARPLANE.

Seymour: Noooooooooo! The farplane doesn’t even have cable!

Sephiroth: Maybe not, but we get free pretzels with a two-drink minimum.

The scoobies confront JECHT, TIDUS’S FATHER.

Jecht: You got tall, boy, but you’re all bones!

Tidus: Yeah, Yuna knows that all too well. Booyah! ‘dances a little jig’

Yuna: ‘blushes profusely’

The scoobies DEFEAT JECHT. TIDUS CRIES. …AGAIN. YU YEVON SHOWS UP AND WHISKS EVERYONE TO A NON-SENSICAL AND PSYCHIDELIC SETTING. The AEONS SACRIFICE THEMSELVES. YU YEVON, a FLOATING SPIDER-THING, is SQUASHED. AURON DISAPPEARS. The AEONS DISAPPEAR. SIN DISAPPEARS. TIDUS DISAPPEARS.

Yuna: …..I love you.

Tidus: I know babe, I know. We’ll be reunited in the sequel, though.

Wakka: Sequel? Waitaminute, I thought this was a Final Fantasy story, ya?

Tidus: Well, it is, but we just went through a whole story about breaking traditions, right?

Lulu: Oh yeah. I guess it’s fitting then.

Yuna: That’s right, folks! Stay tuned to Final Fantasy X-2, in which I shoot things, Rikku wears less clothes, and this girl named Paine shows up for no clear reason!

Paine: Hi.

THE END…. OF PART ONE.

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