Resident Evil: Apocalypse

What’s up everyone. This week, we’re reviewing Resident Evil: Apocalypse, the sequel to the “hit” 2002 movie. Hit is in quotation marks because it made money overseas and broke even here. Go figure.

Anyways, for those of you who didn’t have the time to waste on the first, the plot goes something like this: The Umbrella corporation is the largest commercial entity in the world, and they develop bio-warfare viruses, creatures, etc.

There are some people who are out to expose them and in the course of it, the Hive (super-secret lab where said bio-warfare is developed) gets infected by the T-virus, people die, and two escape. The sequel picks up about 3 hours later.

Now, before I go any further, I LOVE the games. From the first until the last one, they’re all pretty damn good. While I cheered in silence because they were actually going to *gasp* take characters in the video game and put them in the movie for the second one, I also read that the same guy was writing it. I knew then I was in trouble.

So, instead of me desecrating the incredible franchise known as Resident Evil, I will refer to this movie by it’s true title: OMG (Oh My God)Gun .

Now, OMG Gun picks up right where the last one left off, with the important people in the City being taken away by Umbrella before any fecal matter hits the fan. Unfortunately, one of the cars is shattered by a speeding cement truck (?), leaving one girl in the City who is the daughter of Someone Important.

The first act goes pretty quick, as we meet Jill Valentine and Carlos Olveira (RE 3:Nemesis Game) kicking ass and taking names while zombies are content to take over the city and happily feast on live humans.

After all that carnage, we meet Alice from the first film, who has turned into something of a female Terminator, able leap high distances, fire mad guns, and provide a general excuse for the writer to murder zombies when he ceases being creative. This is often.

So, pretty much, the whole movie is them trying to save, then trade the daughter of Someone Important for a ticket out of the city, which is going to be destroyed by a low-yield nuclear bomb.

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See, the bomb will somehow enable Umbrella to spin this whole deal into a nuclear accident, and therefore hide the truth that they turned a city into their playground. This truth will be exposed by a video-camera that documents every step of the survivors’ escape, which Alice takes, because the woman who was holding it was eaten by zombie children.

At this point, I gave up trying to make sense of this movie.

If you are a multi-billion dollar corporation, the equivalent of a Sony-Microsoft-GE merger, and you think you can somehow cause a nuclear explosion and that everything will be fine, business will continue-then the CEO of your corporation is either a horse or the monkey from Anacondas.

Oh yea, the Nemesis refers to a hulking mass of muscle, an 8-foot pair of teeth who can only say “S.T.A.R.S.”, who was experimented on by Umbrella (along with Alice) to become smarter, faster and stronger. Side effects are: he has no skin, a bullet-proof coat, and a rocket-launcher.

��Crap. Words fail me again, I will try harder.

Why experiment on two people that hate you?

Imagine Batman taking down the Joker, but instead of sending his insane ass to Arkham Asylum, he’s sent to Harvard and given five billion dollars. The Joker would then seek to destroy Batman and not say thank you. Big surprise.

This is what Umbrella has done, and is shocked when Alice is upset she was injected with a virus repeatedly for “science”. So, what do they do at the end? Simple.

Take her again, and try to erase her memory.

Joker logic aside, the biggest problem with OMG Gun is this-to compensate for lack of plot, acting, style, music and creativity, they opted for guns. Lots of guns. And as fast as the bullets fly, they are no match for the ineffective editing.

Often the action is so sped up to make Alice look cool, you forget about her surroundings, so she looks like she’s fighting an invincible paper towel that wields a lightsaber. Not effective directing.

Basically, this is 93 minutes of eye torture. It was indeed Horror, because when I walked out, I was terrified that there might be a third movie *shudders*.

Plot – 4/10

This is basically the Resident Evil 3 game thrown in a blender with illogical motives and wishful thinking. I am convinced that the budget went to the high-as-hell editor, who, after snorting a vase of blow, held a contest between his left and right hands over who could edit the film faster. Neither won.

Characters: 5/10

Due to budget constraints (see above), there was only time to make sure that characters looked like those in the game and that Alice needed a hybrid dress to leave one leg exposed through out the film. No dialogue was needed, because no one paid attention. This script might as well have been an outline with ad-libs.

Action: 4.5/10

Lots of action. You will miss most of it.

Hollywood Logic: -five-tenths/80

Ok, From end to end, this movie asks you to suspend any belief you have about logic, emotion, believability and common sense. If you do this, you will still become confused.

Zombies: -1/10

Instead of extras, they just went to the Trailer Park, found 100 or so people and said “Do yer Best!”

How to Beat the Experience:

1) Sit in your living room across from another chair.

2) Pretend that the chair is a crafty unpredictable genius armed with a disintegration ray and has surrounded you with dynamite.

3) Try to escape.

Congratulations. You just had more fun.

Overall: 3/10

This is the second franchise eviscerated by Paul W.S. Anderson. This is two too many. I’m beginning to think the W.S. stands for “Weak Stuff”, because this brings hack to a whole new level. I remain confidant in his ability to receive a check.

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