Final Fantasy VIII: Supercondensed

SQUALL and SEIFER fight during the OPENING MONTAGE. Though it’s only supposed to be TRAINING, they manage to SCAR each other in the FACE.

Squall: My… my pretty face… ‘sob’ ….Uh, I mean, I don’t care.

SQUALL and SEIFER return to CLASS. QUISTIS informs SQUALL that he still has to complete the FIRST PART of the SEED EXAM in the FIRE CAVERN. SQUALL wanders around BALAMB GARDEN with SELPHIE, and is LATE.

Quistis: Ooh, what a cutie! Squall, you’ve got good taste if I do say so myself.

HOPELESS FANBOYS immediately assume QUISTIS has OTHER TEAMLY tendancies. QUISTIS accompanies SQUALL to the FIRE CAVERN and they beat the TAR out of IFRIT.

Ifrit: You have Shiva?! Please, don’t summon her. We went out the other night and got drunk, and I haven’t called her yet.

They return to BALAMB GARDEN, then TURN AROUND to participate in the SECOND PART of the SEED EXAM, an ACTUAL MISSION in DOLLET.

Zell: This works on the same principle as allowing hundreds of student drivers on the road all at once.

SEIFER disobeys orders and accomplishes NOTHING. SQUALL, ZELL, and SELPHIE are chased by a BIG-ASS CRAB-LIKE ROBOT in the obligitory BIG-ASS CRAB-LIKE ROBOT CHASE SCENE. QUISTIS shoots about FIVE HUNDRED ROUNDS into the BIG-ASS CRAB-LIKE ROBOT, causing it to BLOW UP into BIG-ASS CRAB-LIKE ROBOT PIECES.

Quistis: Am I smokin’ or what?

The SEED CANDIDATES return to BALAMB GARDEN. SQUALL, ZELL, and SELPHIE become SEEDS. THEY PARTY LIKE IT’S 1999. SQUALL meets and dances with RINOA, even though they don’t even know each other’s NAMES.

Quistis: Two hot chicks in one day. That damn Squall.

Zell: Um, are you reading from MY script?

SQUALL, ZELL, and SELPHIE’s first SeeD mission lies in TIMBER. While on route, ALL THREE fall unconcious and dream about some dope named LAGUNA. When they wake up, they meet with their EMPLOYER, RINOA. The MISSION they participate in turns out to be a WASTE OF EVERYBODY’S TIME.

Rinoa: Well, at least we still have the model trains.

Zell: Too bad the paint job sucks.

Rinoa: YOU try painting with artist’s block.

SEIFER crashes PRESIDENT DELING’S announcement and JOINS SORCERESS EDEA. SQUALL, RINOA, SELPHIE, ZELL, and QUISTIS ESCAPE TIMBER. While travelling to GALBADIA GARDEN, SQUALL, SELPHIE, and QUISTIS drift off to sleep and dream about that dope LAGUNA AGAIN.

Laguna: HEY! I resemble that remark!

Kiros: That you do, Laguna. That you do.

Laguna: Thanks.

After the trio WAKE UP, they recieve new orders and the only cowboy on the planet, IRVINE, joins up.

Irvine: If I’m the only cowboy on the planet, then WHAT inspired my hat?

They attempt to ASSASSINATE SORCERESS EDEA. EDEA BITCHSLAPS SQUALL. SQUALL dreams about that dope LAGUNA. AGAIN. When he WAKES UP, he finds out that EVERYONE has been imprisoned in GALBADIA’S D-DISTRICT PRISON. They BREAK OUT like a bad case of ACNE. The group then SPLITS UP for a while and RECONVENES in FISHERMAN’S HORIZON. SQUALL is promoted to the rank of COMMANDER. SELPHIE uses it as an excuse to throw another PARTY on the MAYOR’S FRONT DOORSTEP.

Mayor: Y’damn kids! Get offa my lawn!

After checking on BALAMB and the devastated TRABIA GARDEN, the group rides the now-mobile BALAMB GARDEN into battle with the also-mobile GALBADIA GARDEN. The two mobile fortresses are used like THE WORLD’s LARGEST BUMPER CARS and SQUALL AND COMPANY sneak into the INNER SANCTUM of GALBADIA GARDEN. THE SEEDS DEFEAT SORCERESS EDEA. EDEA TRANSFERS HER SORCERESS POWERS TO RINOA. EDEA finally snaps out of it as RINOA goes COMATOSE.

Edea: My children! Oh my heavens, what could have beat the crap out of you so?

Irvine: Uh… Squirrels.

In an effort to SAVE RINOA, SQUALL travels to ESTHAR and into OUTER SPACE. ULTIMECIA, a SORCERESS from the FUTURE, POSSESSES RINOA and BREAKS SORCERESS ADEL’S SEAL. SQUALL defies fate and RESCUES RINOA from an OXYGENLESS DOOM. As the two RETURN to the PLANET, the vocalized “EYES ON ME” plays for the FIRST TIME and the two share an INTIMATE MOMENT.

Quistis: Woo-hoo! Way to go on getting some, Squall!

Irvine: Okay, now your reading from MY script.

As soon as the lovers LAND, SORCERESS RINOA is taken to the ESTHAR SEALING FACILITY.

Zell: Which just so happens to be functioning perfectly with a full staff after being last used seventeen years ago.

SQUALL RESCUES RINOA AGAIN. With PRESIDENT LAGUNA’s help (or lack thereof), the SEEDS are able to STOMP SEIFER AND SORCERESS ADEL’S ASSES within the giant floating monolith LUNATIC PANDORA. ULTIMECIA COMPRESSES TIME FOR NO REAL REASON AT ALL. SQUALL AND COMPANY head to the FUTURE and BEAT DOWN ULTIMECIA with a BIG STICK.

Laguna: A big stick called FRIENDSHIP!!

Everyone: ……..

Laguna: What?

DEFEATING ULTIMECIA SCREWS WITH THE FABRIC OF SPACE/TIME AND EVERYTHING GETS SCRAMBLED. SQUALL ends up TEN YEARS in his PAST, and creates a TIME PARADOX by telling YOUNG EDEA about SEED and GARDEN, which were supposedly HER ideas to BEGIN WITH. SQUALL leaves this time period and ends up…. SOMEWHERE.

Squall: Believe it or not, that’s the best description possible.

RINOA BREAKS THE LAWS OF TIME, SPACE, and PHYSICS TO FIND SQUALL.

Rinoa: Yep, the title “Sorceress” ain’t just for show.

Selphie: Sorceress powers combined with teenage hormones or convenient plot device? You decide.

SELPHIE THROWS ANOTHER PARTY. She VIDEOTAPES the shindig, and gets CHUMMY with QUISTIS. IRVINE acts like an ASS to the amusement of EVERYONE except QUISTIS. ZELL chokes on a HOT DOG. SELPHIE and QUISTIS apparently do NOT know the HEIMLICH maneuver, but ZELL ends up okay anyway. In anger, he throws the last HOT DOG at IRVINE, whom was holding the CAMCORDER.

Selphie: Really, you can’t joke about that because it’s funny enough on its own.

Quistis: Ugh. Processed meat. I don’t know how he could eat that stuff. Me, I’m a breast girl.

Selphie: ‘looks at her strangely’

Quistis: CHICKEN breast! CHICKEN breast! Geez, Selphie, why do you always get under my dress- NO! I mean, your skin- no no, I meant MY skin, not yours touching mine- D’oh! I mean…. I’ll shut up now. ‘totally embarassed’

Zell: Wow, four Freudian slips in under nine seconds. That beats my record.

Irvine: Not MINE! Ha HA!

SQUALL AND RINOA KISS AS BALAMB GARDEN RIDES OFF INTO THE MOONLIGHT.

THE END.

Zell: That’s right kiddies, stay on the lookout for FINAL FANTASY VIII-2, where we all sit around watching DUKES OF HAZARD reruns.

Irvine: I WANT THAT CAR.

OKAY, REALLY, IT’S THE END.

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