Are You Evil?

1. You have been asked to leave Tai Chi class because the only pose you’re willing to do is the
“Sieg Heil.”

2. You can’t wait for the cleansing fire to come rid the Earth of sinners, infidels, and heretics
( otherwise known as people who are having more fun than you ).

3. You want to become a mortician for all the wrong reasons.

4. You are self-circumcised.

5. Your glowing eye sits atop a volcano where little hairy men can seek it out.

6. You have not only taken candy from a baby, you have made candy from a baby.

7. You have the number “999” tattooed into your scalp because you are not only evil, you are non-conformist.

8. You have punched your mother in the face because her apple crisp was “f – ing sup-par.”

9. The local animal shelter has given you the ignoble nickname “The Snacker.”

10. You like to call the cop that’s pursuing you and taunt him with riddles.

11. Rather than shooting captive heroes in the head, you insist on building some fiendishly
elaborate contraption that probably won’t work anyway.

12. You have put your feet up on your desk, lit up a stogie, and watched your latest super bunker-
buster bumper bomb evaporate a village.

13. You would be marketing mercury-enriched baby food if only those pinkos in government
would embrace a free market economy.

14. You had the opportunity to meet Mother Theresa once. You clasped her hand, leaned in real
close and whispered, “I’m on to you, bitch.”

15. You once killed a man with your bare hands, and another man with your bare ass.

16. You own a horde of really ineffective underlings.

17. Aleister Crowley’s mom told him that he wasn’t allowed to play with you.

18. You have spat out a nose onto a barroom floor.

19. Being appointed Thane of Cawdor just doesn’t seem like it’s enough.

20. You can’t let a smile be your umbrella but you can let a frown be your beating stick.

21. You keep your virtuous half-brother locked up in the basement.

22. Your vegetarian diet involves eating only vegetarians.

23. You are starting a club for baby seals.

24. A flurry of boots to the head taught that passed-out guy in the alleyway not to mess with you.

25. You have devoted a lot of time and energy to foiling forensics detectives.

26. You go to a blood donor clinic and instead of donating, you run off with some of it.

27. On Halloween, you give the trick-o-treaters old, burnt-out batteries.

28. Nobody wants to sit near you at the family picnic because of your wandering hands.

29. Satan has made little effort to tempt you because you are “money in the bank.”

30. You watch “The Passion of the Christ” and cheer for the Centurions.

31. When you were a child, you enjoyed setting things on fire: piles of leaves, old mattresses, rest
homes.

32. Your favourite food is “the suffering of others.”

33. Your middle school science project was about the effect of electrodes on genitals.

34. You are the proud owner of a limited edition Idi Amin Beanie Baby.

35. You would like to go to Abu Ghraib prison to help facilitate “recreation time.”

36. You resent the handicapped for parking in “our” spaces.

37. You interrupt the one minute of silence on Remembrance Day with a huge fart.

38. That “regrettable incident” from a few years back has landed you in front of a War Crimes
Tribunal.

39. Your children can’t be latchkey kids because they don’t even have a door.

40. You think the rabbit actually likes to wear mascara.

41. Larry Gowen follows you around singing “A Criminal Mind.”

42. You don’t mind going to prison because they respect you in prison.

43. You want to combine Coke and milk and call it Cilk. It will be available in all schools and if
kids refuse to drink it, they fail!

44. You like going to eating disorder support groups and telling everybody that they look fat in
those jeans.

45. You’re glad that Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” ended up as a pill-popping drunk.

46. You are Stinky Dinky, the Teletubby with the pentagram on its head.

47. You were such an effective school bully that even your victim’s parents ended up on the
tarmac, wallet-less and unconscious.

48. George Orwell wrote a book warning people about you.

49. The vengeful ghosts of those you wronged in life tried haunting you for a while until you
sucked them up with an Insta-Vac.

50. Your hotshot lawyer has figured out how to have you classified as a Young Offender even
though you’re thirty-five.

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