Letter of Gratitude to the Republican Party

This is a message to the Republican Party on behalf of the American people:

Thank you for doing such a great job! We feel extremely blessed as a society to have you ruining- we mean, running- the country for us! We constantly marvel at how you get things done so quickly and efficiently in what we can all see is the one and only way that benefits the everyday American taxpayer. What joy we all feel every time we turn on our television sets and see how you have managed things so well! We feel it is our duty to make our true feelings known to you, lest you believe the media hype.

First off, we agree with you that the war in Iraq is going well, and we thank you for your incredible quickness and efficiency there, as well acknowledge, on a nationwide scale, that not only is the war necessary, but it is equally necessary that none of you or your children actually fight in it. We also understand the fact that you have exceeded your predicted cost of this war because you care so much for our safety, and spending money we don’t have should not prevent you from protecting us.

And to those who disagree, we call them defeatist cowards! Our money is nothing compared to our safety, and our leader’s children are our most valuable resources! These are today’s Bushes and Dicks and tomorrows’ Boehners (pronounced bay-ner, of course)! Just imagine a world without leaders of this caliber!

I don’t know about you, but it sure brings a tear to my eye to think of what the world would be like.

And speaking of natural resources, what about the way you helped the defenseless oil companies, almost bankrupt by the big bad consumer and his demands to satisfy his addiction to their product, by allowing them to raise prices and loosening their restrictions! Such compassion!

We also have to thank you for the Patriot Act, and all the preventative wire tapping it allows you to do. What kind of cradle of liberty and land of the free would we be if we weren’t willing to sacrifice a few of our freedoms to protect against those who would take those freedoms away from us? We as a nation are grateful that the Republican empire -oops, that should read party- is willing to ignore and bypass the ignorance of some of our more trivial government documents, like the Constitution.
Thank you all for your inexhaustible vigilance!

And by the way, we appreciate all the great work you did to combat the damage done by Katrina and Rita! That was the best! Never mind what a few poorly informed rock stars, movie stars, and newly homeless New Orleans residents have to say about your job performance. Please understand that they are by far the minorities in this country.

Wait, was that right?

Anyway, great job!

And by the way, we, as a nation with no official religion, cannot express with words the gratitude we feel with the inundation of religious dogma flooding into our government! We’ve been wondering what the big deal was about separation of church and state for the past two hundred and thirty years anyway, and now we know! All thanks to you! It’s a great idea!

To combine them, that is.

Not to mention the generosity of spirit you so brazenly display as you tell us what God wants from us, and make it clear that we should not question you -we mean, him-.

It takes leaders like yourselves, with great clarity of vision, to know that God is violently opposed to abortion but all for the death penalty. It just makes so much sense to say that life is precious, and not to be wasted, except for sometimes.

It’s about time that whole religion business was made clear to us, because all these churches and religious texts have made everything so unclear.

And those Ten Commandments, and the Sermon on the Mount, with its’ Beatitudes, how can anyone understand those things?

It would have to take a group of our most successful politicians to explain to us laymen.

Besides why should we listen to these left wing Christians who always talk about forgiving those who do wrong, and reaching out to those who have harmed us? Just because they have the Bible behind them! Really! What nerve! Such an antiquated book; these people don’t even realize how much oil they have! How out of date! How rude they are to call you evil!

Just look at all the good you’ve done for not just Americans, but the whole world!

Why else would everyone love us so much! Americans can go anywhere, anywhere at all, and people just can’t wait to be our friends! Look at the way recipients of our assistance in the Middle East cheer at just the sight of our flag!

Imagine how happy they would be to get near an actual American citizen! What rapture! It warms our American hearts just think about it, and our spines tingle with joy.

And speaking of the Middle East, we just have to stand in awe of the great job our republican rulers -oh my, that’s representatives we meant to say- are doing to combat and end terrorism. Catching the man responsible so quickly, we really feel proud of and obligated to you for that. And without the cost of so many lives, too! How many Christmas and birthday presents to us does that cover you for?

And yet you just keep on giving.

So selfless, too, the way you buck against the lobbyists and big business lackeys to protect the rights of the individual! You stalwarts of justice and honor, we salute you!

Especially the lucky people who will benefit from the removal of affirmative action, and all those lucky employees who no longer have to feel dependent on their health benefits to pay for their medical needs caused by pollutants! We are no longer slaves, we are now free to pay for those unbelievably expensive medications and operations all by ourselves, without any crutches to lean on whatsoever! What a great favor you have done for us, allowing us to rely once again on ourselves!
My, what a great big steaming pile of respect you have for the brotherhood of man!

In closing, we feel it necessary to assure that we, as a country, as a people, will be right behind you in the future elections in this country, both congressional and presidential. No vote counting will be necessary this time, as much you may insist on it being the foundation of our society! Such modesty!

Nevertheless, we will be counting on you, the right wing, conservative, Republican leaders of our country to protect us from the evils of those left wing, child killing liberal democrats.

When the time comes, you will see crowds, no, armies of well informed, intelligent citizens cheering and screaming for justice, freedom, prosperity, and peace.

Get ready.

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