New Products Guaranteed to Embarrass Your Dog

The poor family dog, I feel sorry for him. He wags his tail, is always happy to see you and probably thinks it’s pretty darn funny you use a toilet when there’s a perfectly good back yard. His love for you only exceeds his love for eating socks and garden hose. Yet we embarrass him by making him wear sweaters and naming him Twinkle. But things have gotten infinitely worse in the land of dog products. As a matter of fact, it’s gotten ridiculous.

Holistic dog food is one of them. I looked up holistic in the dictionary and it says ‘of or dealing with wholes or integrated systems rather than with their parts.’ Okay, so does this mean they’ve taken into consideration the gas problem dogs get when they eat this healthy stuff? I know my kids gag if they happen to be standing behind poor Spot. The least the company could do is include nose plugs or a bottle of Bean-O. And the taste! I don’t think Spot cares if his food is holistic, just meat-flavored. Have you seen a dog snarf down a hot dog? If that holistic dog food doesn’t taste like meat it’s no wonder he prefers licking his own back-end.

Neuticles (www.neuticles.com)- Oh, you’ll love this one. They’re testicular implants for pets that have been neutered. Yup, and this company is getting a Nobel Prize for this (I can’t imagine Spot giving a gratuitous leg hump). They’re made of silicone, come in different sizes and recommend that you implant them at the time of neutering. I don’t know about you, but this vaguely reminds me of mid-life crisis corvettes and girls with silicone named Tiffany. Hmm…Anyway, can you imagine the poor dog that started this idea? Poor Spot is at the park one day when his owner notices his lack of, um….boys. Whisking him off to the vet for implants, Spot is now the new owner of a new set of testicles. Hey, he didn’t forget that you cut off the real ones. You think he’s going to drag you to safety when your house catches on fire? Even worse, can you imagine what he’s telling his dog therapist?

This one totally takes the cake on stupid dog products. It’s the dog condom (www.dogcondoms.com).

Stop laughing!

Believe it or not some idiot came up with a really screwed up way to embarrass poor Spot. They come in different sizes and require human intervention at the time of use. Gee, wouldn’t that kill the mood? I imagine the first time it was put on that poor dog he was thinking, “Look, I know we’re friends but…Hey! STOP THAT!”

Ew. I can’t think of a sane person that would even do this for their pet much less invent it. Even worse, the condoms are meat flavored (hence the choking hazard label). What, did they pour gravy on them? Which should tell you that the inventor has no life and needs to get one; NOW. Or at the very least a psychological evaluation. The website insists this is a kinder way than spaying or neutering your pet. Obviously, they don’t watch the Pet Psychic on Animal Planet. That dog would be begging to get a ride to the pound. I know I would.

How does this stuff get started? Who would admit to putting a condom on their dog? Or getting him fake testicles? Most people I know draw the line a chew toys and sweaters. I can only hope that sanity will take over and people will not subject poor Spot to these indignities. It’s bad enough he’s victim to silly names and children with dress-up clothes. So if you have a dog, just pet him because that’s all he really wants. Oh, and that hot dog in your hand.

Holistic dog food is one of them. I looked up holistic in the dictionary and it says ‘of or dealing with wholes or integrated systems rather than with their parts.’ Okay, so does this mean they’ve taken into consideration the gas problem dogs get when they eat this healthy stuff? I know my kids gag if they happen to be standing behind poor Spot. The least the company could do is include nose plugs or a bottle of Bean-O. And the taste! I don’t think Spot cares if his food is holistic, just meat-flavored. Have you seen a dog snarf down a hot dog? If that holistic dog food doesn’t taste like meat it’s no wonder he prefers licking his own back-end.

Neuticles (www.neuticles.com)- Oh, you’ll love this one. They’re testicular implants for pets that have been neutered. Yup, and this company is getting a Nobel Prize for this (I can’t imagine Spot giving a gratuitous leg hump). They’re made of silicone, come in different sizes and recommend that you implant them at the time of neutering. I don’t know about you, but this vaguely reminds me of mid-life crisis corvettes and girls with silicone named Tiffany. Hmm…Anyway, can you imagine the poor dog that started this idea? Poor Spot is at the park one day when his owner notices his lack of, um….boys. Whisking him off to the vet for implants, Spot is now the new owner of a new set of testicles. Hey, he didn’t forget that you cut off the real ones. You think he’s going to drag you to safety when your house catches on fire? Even worse, can you imagine what he’s telling his dog therapist?

This one totally takes the cake on stupid dog products. It’s the dog condom (www.dogcondoms.com).

Stop laughing!

Believe it or not some idiot came up with a really screwed up way to embarrass poor Spot. They come in different sizes and require human intervention at the time of use. Gee, wouldn’t that kill the mood? I imagine the first time it was put on that poor dog he was thinking, “Look, I know we’re friends but…Hey! STOP THAT!”

Ew. I can’t think of a sane person that would even do this for their pet much less invent it. Even worse, the condoms are meat flavored (hence the choking hazard label). What, did they pour gravy on them? Which should tell you that the inventor has no life and needs to get one; NOW. Or at the very least a psychological evaluation. The website insists this is a kinder way than spaying or neutering your pet. Obviously, they don’t watch the Pet Psychic on Animal Planet. That dog would be begging to get a ride to the pound. I know I would.

How does this stuff get started? Who would admit to putting a condom on their dog? Or getting him fake testicles? Most people I know draw the line a chew toys and sweaters. I can only hope that sanity will take over and people will not subject poor Spot to these indignities. It’s bad enough he’s victim to silly names and children with dress-up clothes. So if you have a dog, just pet him because that’s all he really wants. Oh, and that hot dog in your hand.

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