Planet Pluto Update: The Enemy Has Won!

In two previous segments, I have been keeping you abreast of happenings in Prague where Pluto-hating extremists have been trying to kick Pluto out of the club for marching to its own elongated orbit. Sadly, these intolerant buffoons have won, and it’s all George Bush’s fault.

Okay… so for this one, I can’t blame George Bush, but it’s sort of en vogue to do so finally, so I thought I would take advantage of it. After all, I have been bagging on Bush ever since he got appointed. Sadly, the blame doesn’t fall on him. This time it rests squarely on the shoulders of 2500 bigoted astronomers who decided that size does matter. Pluto has been kicked out of the planet club. That’s right folks, Pluto is no longer a planet. (Congratulations Mercury you won… for now. I’m coming for you though)

After a ton of heated debate, it was decided that the text book industry needed a leg up and that kicking Pluto out of the planet club was just what the doctor ordered to call up another generation of Science text books for children around the world…okay… for children in places where education is valued over gunplay….okay, places where childhood indoctrination is valued over handing sub-machine guns to 6-year olds.

The final deciding factor for the “astronomers” was the fact that Pluto’s elongated orbit crosses Neptune’s orbital plane. Neptune could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the planet say that Neptune hopes the little guy sticks around. On previous occasions, Neptune has stopped shy of saying out right that it enjoys the occasional visit by Pluto, and that it gets lonely out there. The new rules for Planetary status essentially say that “a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a … nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.” In other words, you can be a planet club if you don’t intermingle with the other members.

This decision in Prague means that Pluto’s largest moon (of 3) Charon is no longer under consideration to be classified as a planet. “If there is any good to come of this injustice” said Pluto after the vote, “It’s that Charon has to stay my bitch. Spinning a positive light, the defrocked former planet also quipped. “Hey, when Di left Chuck, she may have lost the ‘official’ title of royalty, but the Brits all knew who the real princess was.” When asked about the status of Mercury Pluto responded. “That little moonless wonder is next. Just you wait Mercury you little ball of fire hanging onto the sun’s tit. You may still be a planet but I have three moons and when that big fireball lights up supernova style, You’re first on the list. You have a thing or two to learn about global warming.”

Oddly, if the astronomers ever pull their heads from their nether regions, Object UB313 (incidentally, not a bad name for a rock band) code named Xena, is likely to get more consideration than Pluto due to the fact that it is larger than Pluto. Said Mark Brown of the California Institute of Technology who proved he wouldn’t know “cool” if it tap danced across his pocket protector, “UB313 is the largest dwarf planet. That’s kind of cool.” Brown of course is a little biased, as his claim to fame is naming UB313 after Xena, the Warrior princess.

So Pluto no longer has the stature denoted by a planet in the scientific community, a title it has held since 1930. Instead, it will be classified among other so-called “dwarf” planets (doesn’t it defeat the point to include the word ‘planet’ in a term meant to separate them as non-planets?) The last planet to be kicked out of the cosmic club was the Asteroid Ceres back in the 1800’s. Ceres could not be reached for comment after the vote, but previously was known to be a fan of the former planet. When asked what Pluto plans to do with its time now that it’s not part of the exclusive planetary club, Pluto said, “Well I’ll probably just kick it out here on the edge of the solar system for awhile… and oh yeah…. I’m going to Disneyland!”

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