The New Segway PT: Helping You to Save the Planet and Money at the Same Time

Segway is set to roll out the latest design of its increasingly popular and environmentally-friendly method of personal transportation. I’m sure you’ve see one of those Segways rolling down the sidewalk or through the mall, or at least on television. A one-person people mover that gets you where you need to go fast and without further increasing Pres. Bush’s potential legacy of being the worst mass murderer in American history due to his views on global warming. Are they dangerous? Perhaps, but far less so than a Hummer and the morons who don’t know how to park those climate-changers.

The Segway PT is a new and improved version. It features a new technology that Segway has deemed LeanStear that is more intuitive when it comes to taking the mover in the direction in which you lean. The Segway PT also comes with wireless control. The InfoKey controller is technologically designed for individuality, controlling only one Segway. When you slip it into the dock of your Segway, the InfoKey gives you information you need to know like battery time, speed and performance. In addition, if also works as a security device. If someone tampers with your Segway PT while you are away, an alarm goes of, it begins to vibrate and, best of all, the wheels lock. Because, well, let’s face if, nobody pays attention to car alarms, you think they’re going to pay attention to a Segway alarm? But locking the wheels, well, hey, that’s a pretty darn good idea even for a car alarm. Even better than that, perhaps, is that if someone does tamper with your Segway and nobody pays attention to the alarm, and the crook still tries to get at the thing even though the wheels are locked, you’re still in luck because a visual alert is sent to you via the InfoKey controller.

The Segway PT is promised to deliver 24 mpc. That’s 24 miles per charge. Not only would people be helping out the planet by moving to these things, but they’d be helping out their own pocketbooks. If these babies delivered the same efficiency but were running on gasoline, you would be getting an incredible 450 mile per gallon! Why that’s enough to drive all of Pres. Bush’s oil industry cronies into bankruptcy! I can’t think of any better reason for all of us to start looking into buying a Segway for those little trips that really aren’t worth paying the gas bill to make.

Now we just have to convince the slightly less profit-minded folks at Segway to make them more affordable to buy. We all know we’d save money in the long run, but most of just don’t have enough money to put up for a Segway in the short run. Thanks to Pres. Bush’s rampant inflation and consequent lag in earnings, Americans now earn less in real dollars than at any time since the Great Depression.

Hmm, I guess pretty soon we’ll all be able to afford a Segway PT, after all.

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