How to Get Sex If You’re a Man

You see her across a crowded bar. Hour glass figure, tiny waist and legs that would put Julia Roberts to shame. She has the face of a goddess, the class of a princess and a smile that lights up the room and parts of you as well. Discretely, you try to memorize every last detail of the woman of your dreams because you know – that unless aliens fall down from the sky and kill off every human on this planet, except you and her – the two of you will never ever get together.

But then she smiles in your direction. No way you think, as you promise God that you’ll call your mother more often if only he’d make it so. “Wanna get out of here,” is all she has to say and moments later, still expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out and scream, “you’re punk’d”, you’re in her apartment drinking a beer and watching the Knicks. Amazingly, despite the fact that beer dribbles out of your nose every time you laugh, the last time anyone looked at you with such admiration you were knee high to a grasshopper and sitting on the potty. It couldn’t get any better. That is until she looks at you with eyes that are as blue as the water in your friend Hank’s pool and asks if you’d like to get laid…no strings attached.

Ah, don’t you just love a good fairy tale? You know who does them well? Danielle Steele. Her men are all so rugged and smart and full of integrity and chivalry. They’d never take advantage of a woman, no matter what the circumstances. Of course we’re not talking about you, are we? You’re just in it for one thing and we all know what that thing is. Whoa, calm down. It’s not like I accused you of doing it with a goat. You didn’t, did you?

O.K., so you say you’re getting it whenever, wherever and from whoever you want. That’s your story and you’re sticking with it. But what are your plans when a) your money runs out and/or b) you get fired from your job at the morgue. Sssshhh, relax I’m trying to help you. O.K., O.K., let’s say we’re not talking about you. Let’s talk about your friend, the one whose lust llife isn’t quite what your friend had hoped it would be (hasn’t gotten any since Madonna was like a virgin). Think your friend would be interested in changing that? How, your friend asks?

Our lesson begins with the basic premise that it takes two to tango. And yes we’re talking about S-E-X, not dancing, need I remind you the goal is to get the girl not have her run for the hills. As I was saying boy-girl, girl-girl, boy-boy, boy/girl-beast, the equation never falters. So if you’re (from here on in the word “friend” will be replaced by the word “you”) looking for boy on girl action there’s going to be a girl (at least one) involved. Try not to forget she exists even though we both know it really is all about you. And with two people in the mix there’s got to be a give and take in order for it to work. What’s that you say? How little do you have to give to take what you want? Perfect, that’s exactly the question I expected from you. Now excuse me for a moment while I cry into my Danielle Steele.

O.K. I’m back. You want sex and you also want to do as little as possible to get it. Right? Let’s start by looking at your options. Say you’re feeling like some hot, steamy monkey lovin’. So you turn to the chick, your girlfriend, your wife, basically whoever is standing within earshot and in your best, “please mum may I have some more, ” voice you politely inquire, “want to go back to my place and screw?” It’s honest and from the heart and isn’t that the crap that Dr. Phil and Oprah keep shoveling your way?

I suppose the next thing you’re going to tell me is how hard you try and, boo hoo, no one understands you. Buck up you weenie. Want a gold star for your efforts (is that what you call that?) then go see your kindergarten teacher. But, if you want to get laid, then you’re going to have to try, try again. And forget how you think it should be. That old, old book you got that junk from, the one that said women should cleave unto men. They may claim to be wise, but the men who wrote it were just as clueless as you when it came to women. Didn’t Mary get it on without a man back then? I rest me case. Besides answer me this, is your way getting you what you want? Ouch, did I hear the sound of of male flesh being slapped? Or maybe you and your hand are spending another lonely night together. O.K. I’ll let you say it this one time only and then I don’t want to hear it ever again. “It isn’t fair”. Like what is? I want to be rich, but am I? Sometimes I go to a place where there are a lot of drunk people who don’t know me and I tell them I’m Elmer J. Fudd and I own a mansion and a yacht. We all do things we wish we didn’t have to, to get what we want, even if in some cases it isn’t really what we want but only a deeply disturbed momentary delusion.

Are you ready to do what it takes to get what you want? First, never again mention what I just told you. Now I’m going to tell you one more secret. The fastest way to get a girl out of her jeans is to buy her a new pair. I never said this was going to be easy. Of course we could start with the lesson on sharing your innermost thoughts…then shopping it is. Think of it this way. It’s not really shopping, it’s foreplay and since women crave it and men would rather skip it do you truly care if it’s in the bedroom or out?

So you’re in the mall with the object of your desire. Trust me nirvana is right around the corner. There’s only two things standing in the way of you and the Holy Grail. One, if you’re like most men malls could trigger hives which could land you in the emergency room and that is not the bed you’ve been aiming for. So down a bottle of Benedryl (antihistamine) before you leave for the mall.

You’re doing great. At this point failure is not an option. Unless of course you do the one thing that grates on a shopping woman’s nerves like nails on the proverbial blackboard…whine. DON’T DO THIS! No matter what happens. Even if she drags you into every store in the freakin’ Mall of America (largest mall in the country). Even if you feel like your throat is closing up and unless you immediately run to the nearest exit you’ll die right then and there, don’t do it. This is a sure-fire deal breaker. I repeat no sexual favors will come from this course of action. Instead tell her you need a bathroom break, females understand this concept, and then breathe deeply and picture yourself on a beach and your girlfriend on your… Be creative but save the sharing for later.

Go team. Now, to reel her in. The next time she points out something she likes, no matter how big or small, tell her she should buy it because she deserves it. Even if she gives you a thousand reasons why she shouldn’t you tell her to get it. Repeat after me, “no one deserves it more than you, baby.” This should be all you need to meet your goal. However, if you screwed up somewhere along the way. Say you casually mentioned that you’d rather slit your wrists and watch yourself bleed-out than look at another Prada bag, you can still close the deal if you buy it for her. No matter how much she protests. After all haven’t you suffered through so much already? Why take a chance? Be the bigger man now and she’ll want you to be the bigger man later.

Last helpful hint. Don’t try to insert a bit of sex toy shopping during this outing. Sure there’s a time and place for that but in this instance it’s best to be prepared ahead of time. Remember, now is not the time to focus on you and what you want. For that, first you’ll have to give a woman what she wants.

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